You’ve heard that our children are our future. This suggest  they are also our future leaders. Being a good leader is a valuable skill at any age but not everyone has innate ability to lead. Being a leader will help kids build confidence and helps them succeed in most of their endeavors. Good leaders are made, not born. That’s why it’s important to teach kids leadership skills early so they can continue to benefit from them as they grow. This simmer is a good time to involve kids in activities that increase their self esteem and build good leadership skill.
    So, you may ask, what are good leadership skills? Melissa King, Senior Curriculum Specialist K-12 education lists these criteria.
1. The ability to instill in others a sense of wanting to go the extra mile to provide for the greater good of a team.
2. The ability to inspire people to be better tomorrow than they are today and help the team focus on what matters most in life.
3. The ability to communicate, understand, and help people succeed.
4. Willingness to take risks and be courageous.
5. Having insightful, clear visions of the goals to be achieved.
    Children are a valuable source of ideas, creativity and energy and most children are naturals at taking charge. Watch how they are with younger siblings and how they manage to get what they want from adults. Most of us have to learn the difference between being a good leader and being bossy. With the selected activities and guidance, children can learn these skills.
    Here are, according to Melissa King, some ways to help your children develop good leadership skills.
What’s a Person To Do?
1. Teach them to set goals and always try to do their best at what they do.
2. Help them learn to see different viewpoints in a situation, which will be helpful when trying to manage multiple opinions in a group setting.
3. Help them maintain a positive attitude—even when others make things difficult or tell them they can’t achieve something.
4. Teach them that mistakes will always happen and are a natural part of life—and not to let the mistakes beat them down. Instead, teach them to ask themselves what they can learn from each situation.
5. Enroll kids in extracurricular activities that can give them the self-confidence needed in order to lead people both as  children and as they become adults.
6. Let them make decisions. Start small, such as letting them choose food in a grocery store. As they get older, they can start making more difficult decisions, like how to spend their money.
7. Help them to participate in community service activities. Sports, fund-raising, the local hospital, assist in school sports events, special Olympics, senior citizens’ centers, the local shelter for homeless animals, Nursing homes, hospice centers, Meals on Wheels, community clean-up are just a few ideas. With these activities, they learn skills and also become aware of issues people in different situation experience.  
    Volunteering taps into a teen’s innate desire to be independent in a productive way. Teenagers are extremely busy with academics, extracurricular activities, sports, and of course their social events! But carving a few hours out of their busy schedules regularly for community service can be therapeutic for them and helps to improve their communities on so many levels.
Volunteering can also help to improve public speaking and communication skills later in life. It teaches them to identify their strengths and weaknesses. It helps them develop organizational skills. And finally, it teaches them to work well with others.
It is important for adults to provide education, training and support in these areas so they can succeed in these endeavors.
    Getting kids involved means also letting them be a part of the process from the beginning. Sometimes as adults we forget about the importance of kids being part of the decision-making process. Not surprisingly, kids often have ideas on how their environments could be improved. By reaching out to youth to join the decision-making tables, advocacy strategies can be strengthened by developing solutions with them.
    It’s important for adults to step forward and build up our kids and provide them with tools to be life-long effective leaders in our ever changing world.

Have you ever listened to the conversations of people around you and found the content was filled with massive complaints and whining? If so, you’ve noticed that you had a visceral and emotional response. That’s because complaining is bad for you. Whether you are the complainer or the listener, complaining has many destructive and few redeeming qualities. If you pay attention, you may be amazed at how much negativity you absorb on a daily basis, not just in public or in the media, but at home, at work, everywhere. I believe what we are exposed to impacts our thinking, feelings and behaviors. So, if you are surrounded by negativity, you will be more negative.
    Psychologists have known for decades that the brain has a “negativity bias”. That means we have a tendency pay more attention to negative things than positive ones and our reactions to negative things are more intense. Listening to too much
complaining actually destroys brain cells. Listening to just 30 minutes of negativity—in person or on television—can damage neurons in the hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for problem solving. Also, we are more likely to remember negative things than positive ones. Being in the presence of negative people makes us negative and produces the same emotional reaction in the brain as does stress, the kind that is not good for your health.
    Have you wondered what was the purpose of this whining and complaining? Sometimes, we use complaints as a conversation starter. One person start with a complaint and others chime in with one of their own. These types of conversations are likely to last longer than those with positive content. And though they may make you feel better to be in shared company, it keeps you from facing problems and finding a solutions.
    Complaining can also be an attention getter. People listen when we complain. But complaining can become a habit, demanding that you complain to anyone around you. While some people may join you in the victim role, others will avoid you because your negativity makes you not good company. People also avoid you because listening to you is depressing. Too, people who chronically complain talk, rarely listen. They take as much of your time as you give them and reject any problem solving advice that you may offer. People who complain are less likely to enjoy life, have few friends, and are less likely to come up with new ideas, as they are busy finding faults and discourage others
from trying new things as they feel that it wouldn't work. When you spend time with people who constantly complain, you are likely to view things in a negative light. However, Psychologists know that positive attitude makes everything in life better and more successful.
What’s a Person to Do?
1. Remember, complaining has detrimental affects the body, mind and spirit. Stop it. Teach yourself a different way of reacting.
2. Let go of the victim role. When you blame others you give them power over you and it’s power you lose and cannot use to make things better.
3. Rather than complain, count your blessings. These two thoughts cannot occupy your mind at the same time. It’s physiologically impossible to be negative and thankful at the same time. Look around, there’s plenty for which to be grateful.

4. Catch others doing good. Instead of complaining about what others are doing wrong, focus on what they are doing right and give them recognition for it. If you’re the boss, give instructions rather that criticism.
5. Take leave. (Unless you’re the Psychologist: We are paid to listen. Believe me, it’s not easy work.) When you are faced with people who are negative, whine and complain, stop, be still, and take leave and remember these words from the wise. “Do not listen to those who weep and complain, for their disease is contagious.”  ~Og Mandino. Or the words of Anthony J. D'Angelo. “If you have time to whine and complain about something then you have the time to do something about it.”  

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.

Father's Day is an occasion to celebrate the contributions that fathers have made to our lives, the family structure and society. Most men who are fathers can testify to both the joys and challenges of fatherhood and many of them consider active involvement a key component of their lives. Father involvement is critical to children’s well-being. Children need both parents. Fathers in two-parent families, typically share, with mothers, responsibility for the care of their children. This is because many fathers have taken up the slack while mothers work outside the home, and because fathers are no longer content to play a secondary role as parents.
    Still, there are those who believe that because of the high divorce rate, many single parent families today’s families are having a rough time and that father absence is a crises with 24 million children, 1 out of 3, live without their biological father in the home. Consequently, there is an absent father factor in nearly all social ills facing us today.
    I don’t want to paint with too broad a brush, we all know there are some families who are much worse off when the father is present. However, the syndrome known as Father Hunger is blamed for a whole slew of social ills and for children, the results are nothing short of disastrous. Recent research shows father absence produces diminished self-concept, and compromised physical and emotional security. Children report feeling abandoned, they struggle with bouts of self-loathing, behavioral problems, social adjustment, and are more likely to have problems with friendships. In addition, they report a number of underlying fears, resentments, anxieties, unhappiness and suicide. They are more likely to be truant, have poor academic performance, and become high school dropouts. Father hunger is also blamed on delinquency and youth crime. Eighty Five 85% per cent of youth in prison have absent fathers. Promiscuity and teen pregnancy are also in the mix. 90 per cent of runaway children have absent fathers and they are at greater risk of homelessness, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse. There children are overrepresented on a wide range of mental health problems with employment, relationship stability, and are more likely to have children out of wedlock.
    It is believed that Father hunger drives daughters to look for love prematurely and often in the wrong places and in the arms of men who prey upon them for their own advantage.
What is the solution to father absence?
    Many things have been tried in many parts of the country. Shared parenting, a legal presumption would affirm the primary role of both parents, whether married or not, have responsibilities to meet the mental, emotional and financial needs of their children. However, no one can force fathers to step up to the plate and do his duty toward his children.
What’s A Person To Do?
1. Look around and celebrate fathers who can and should be celebrated not for being perfect, but for maintaining their place in the family.
2. Remember, a woman can raise her children but she can never be a father. No one can do a better job of teaching a son, how to become the kind of man he can become. And no one can better teach a daughter how to effectively be in relationships with men.
3. Encourage all who will listen to recognize the value of the community in providing emotional support for children and their families.
3. And for the fathers who are disconnected, urge them to find a way to rebuild a connection to their children. To do that, they may have to take stock become and better men. It may be a challenge but their children’s outcomes and the community will benefit.

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives in Tunica and writes with the Tunica Chapter of the Mississippi Writers Guild in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books she has written.

We are fascinated with competition and in many ways, see it as a virtue. The strggle about whether it better to teach children that the thrill of victory is sweeter than the agony of defeat is prevalent in homes, schools and sports activities.
    Competition is believed to promote high performance and productivity. It’s believed to increase efficiency, enhance enjoyment and enthusiasm. Then again, competition tends to degenerate. It makes people lie, cheat, and act disrespectfully toward others.
    In parenting it’s the parents’ job to prepare their children for the realities of life. Some parents pit one child against the other in order to gain better performance with statements like “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” I suspect a little bit of jealousy and rivalry between siblings is formed from these words and can bring out the worst in people as they become adults. Competition as a fact of modern life, can promote anxiety, damage self-esteem and performance, and lead to disengagement. Competition can be destructive and is a toxic way to raise children.
    Cooperation, on the other hand is a prerequisite for excellence in most endeavors but it’s hard to see that with the way we live our lives today. The notion that somebody’s got to win and somebody’s got to lose is prevalent. In times past, women worked together to birth babies, sew quilts and face the perils of the world. Men worked together to raise barns and harvest crops and all members of households were expected to work together to make life work and encouraged all to do their personal best. Community was important.
    Which works better, competition or cooperation? The answer, according to Perry W. Buffington, Ph.D.,“without equivocation, is cooperation.” In a series of studies over a five-year period, he looked at how children ages 9 to 14 performed shooting free throws in three situations: when one player was pitted against another (direct competition); when two players worked together to get the highest combined score (cooperation); and when two players joined forces to try to score more than another pair (cooperation combined with competition). The cooperative players won hands down. According to Dr. Johnson, "More students feel good about themselves as learners when they cooperate. Their self-esteem goes up. They have a better sense of community, belonging, and acceptance.
    David Johnson, a professor emeritus of educational psychology at the University of Minnesota, suggested one way to change the culture around winning is to encourage children to recognize excellence and effort in others and to give shout-outs when he or she sees both. That way, parents will be fostering a spirit of cooperation even in the midst of competition. By taking the emphasis off winning and putting it on mastery, the individual, the team, the classroom, the country, and the world will grow in the process.
    Still, many organizations, businesses, educational systems, and most parents continue to encourage competition. Most don’t  realizes that competition may be costing billions of dollars in sales and overall decreases in human achievement. According to Dr. Johnson. “If competition brings out the "beast" in us, then research demonstrates that cooperation surely brings out the "best" in us.”
    Cooperative business people have higher salaries. Cooperative students have higher grade point averages. Personnel directors who work together have fewer job vacancies to fill. And cooperation increases creativity. People learn best when they work cooperatively with each other. Once people experience cooperation, they find out that it's a better, even easier way."
    However, cooperation is not being systematically taught in schools. Children who learn cooperation at an early age carry it with them as they mature. This makes them better spouses, parents and workers. Cooperation has an impact on individuals working together in most professions. It make leadership easier and allows everyone to participate actively without fear of losing out. It improves worker's perception of the work environment. In addition, researchers found the cooperative individuals were better adjusted psychologically and physically healthier than their competitive colleagues.
    Finally, it is projected that jobs of the future will require cooperation and collaboration. Will we well ready?
What’s A Person To Do?
1. As a parent, strive to accentuate the positives. One child might be outstanding at football, another not so much. However, you still need to turn up and cheer from the sideline for each child.
2. Remember, Siblings are forever. Refuse to pit one against the other.
3. Encourage each child to do his or her personal best.  
4. Use cooperative problem-solving tools like brainstorming and group goal setting.
5. Help other people. It facilitates cooperation.
6.Reinforce team effort. When the team does well, the entire group is rewarded.

As parents, we all want our kids to grow up to be healthy,  happy and successful. And most of us will do our best that’s within our control to make that happen. There is little we can do to change what’s in the genes, but we can create an environment for the best possible outcomes. But what is that?  Here, I’ll give parents and caretakers some time honored ideas for helping children to grow up to be happy and responsible.
    There is no such thing as a perfect parent. And while we all have to pass a test to legally drive a car, there is no such requirement for handling our most precious cargo, our children. Most of us have learned to parent from watching our parents raise us. They in turn, learned by watching their parents. As it turns out, some effective techniques are passed on for generations and so are ineffective ones. Untrained for this enormous task, many parents remain confused about basic child rearing and management skills.
    In my Psychological practice, I conducted parenting classes for people who wanted to become better parents. I often asked them to describe their typical discipline process. Most of the time, it looked something like this– “I told him to clean his room. He didn’t. So, I took away his play station. He still didn’t clean the room. Then I banned watching TV. Still no room cleaning. I decided it was time to put him in time out for the day. Still he wouldn’t clean the room. In total frustration, I  used the belt. That got him moving but he threw his dirty clothes and toys under the bed. I grounded him for a month but I felt like I was the one in prison. It doesn’t matter what I do, it’s always a battle. I either have to give up to keep the peace in the household of get abusive to get compliance.”
    So I explain that Psychologists have found that children have four motives for misbehaving. Number 1 is to get attention, 2 to gain Power, 3 to get even and 4 to display inadequacy. I ask the class to figure out the child’s motive that’s operating in the story. And so, the discussion begins. Some would say the parent is not tough enough; that her job is to do whatever it takes to see that the child complies. Others argued that different tactics are needed. But couldn’t say which ones. Not many parents could see that she are in the midst of a power struggle with the child. Even if she beat the child and get compliance, she is still in the midst of the a power struggle and has failed at the goal toward growing a happy, responsible child.       Being a parent is a hard job. Parents are expected to be fair, just, and most of us believe we are right. In addition we are supposed to be caring and loving and willing to put our children’s welfare above their own. These are expectations that are hard to meet when trying to build a strong stable family while dealing with children who have needs of their own.
    Nurturing children can be rewarding too. In the role as nurturer, parents take care of their children's basic needs, such as food, clothes, shelter, medical care, education, and give them love, attention, understanding, acceptance, time, and support.
Discipline must be carried out. But discipline is teaching rather than punishment. In fact, the hardest part of being a parent is to carry out discipline while relaying love and affection.
    It’s important to remember that each child is unique. There is noone else on earth like him or her. That uniqueness needs to be nourished and encouraged. Indeed, being a parent requires skills.
What’s a Person To Do?
1. Treat your child with the respect you wish to recieve from him or her.
2. Start early and teach age appropriate skills so they and become independent. Show the child how the task should be done. Be clear with your expectations. Whether it’s tying shoes, making the bed or writing his or her name or doing his or her homework. Let them practice in your presence until he or she gets it right.  3. Set realistic limits for desirable behavior and hold him or her accountable. Encourage behaviors you want to see in the child Such as, “When you’ve done what you have to do, then you may do what you want to do.” or “This is the way we talk to people.”
4. Be a role model for the child. Parents must show the child what matters through the way they live. If parents want to raise a kind and responsible child, they must lead by modeling kind and responsible behavior.
5. Catch the child doing good. Children love being noticed and  receiving recognition. Most undesirable behavior can be avoided when the child get positive attention for desirable behavior.
6. Give the child an important role or responsibility within the family. Whether is setting the table for family meals or feeding the family pet, let him or her know why it’s important and how it helps the family.
7. Avoid nagging, yelling, and criticizing. Those behaviors merely teaches undesirable ways of dealing with conflict.
8. Most of all, withdraw from the power struggle. Cool off and try again with instructions. Stay tuned for more in this subject.

     Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives in Tunica and writes with the Tunica Chapter of the Mississippi Writers Guild in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books she has written.

As parents, we all want our kids to grow up to be healthy,  happy and successful. And most of us will do our best that’s within our control to make that happen. There is little we can do to change what’s in the genes, but we can create an environment for the best possible outcomes. But what is that?  Here, I’ll give parents and caretakers some time honored ideas for helping children to grow up to be happy and responsible.
    There is no such thing as a perfect parent. And while we all have to pass a test to legally drive a car, there is no such requirement for handling our most precious cargo, our children. Most of us have learned to parent from watching our parents raise us. They in turn, learned by watching their parents. As it turns out, some effective techniques are passed on for generations and so are ineffective ones. Untrained for this enormous task, many parents remain confused about basic child rearing and management skills.
    In my Psychological practice, I conducted parenting classes for people who wanted to become better parents. I often asked them to describe their typical discipline process. Most of the time, it looked something like this– “I told him to clean his room. He didn’t. So, I took away his play station. He still didn’t clean the room. Then I banned watching TV. Still no room cleaning. I decided it was time to put him in time out for the day. Still he wouldn’t clean the room. In total frustration, I  used the belt. That got him moving but he threw his dirty clothes and toys under the bed. I grounded him for a month but I felt like I was the one in prison. It doesn’t matter what I do, it’s always a battle. I either have to give up to keep the peace in the household of get abusive to get compliance.”
    So I explain that Psychologists have found that children have four motives for misbehaving. Number 1 is to get attention, 2 to gain Power, 3 to get even and 4 to display inadequacy. I ask the class to figure out the child’s motive that’s operating in the story. And so, the discussion begins. Some would say the parent is not tough enough; that her job is to do whatever it takes to see that the child complies. Others argued that different tactics are needed. But couldn’t say which ones. Not many parents could see that she are in the midst of a power struggle with the child. Even if she beat the child and get compliance, she is still in the midst of the a power struggle and has failed at the goal toward growing a happy, responsible child.       Being a parent is a hard job. Parents are expected to be fair, just, and most of us believe we are right. In addition we are supposed to be caring and loving and willing to put our children’s welfare above their own. These are expectations that are hard to meet when trying to build a strong stable family while dealing with children who have needs of their own.
    Nurturing children can be rewarding too. In the role as nurturer, parents take care of their children's basic needs, such as food, clothes, shelter, medical care, education, and give them love, attention, understanding, acceptance, time, and support.
Discipline must be carried out. But discipline is teaching rather than punishment. In fact, the hardest part of being a parent is to carry out discipline while relaying love and affection.
    It’s important to remember that each child is unique. There is noone else on earth like him or her. That uniqueness needs to be nourished and encouraged. Indeed, being a parent requires skills.
What’s a Person To Do?
1. Treat your child with the respect you wish to recieve from him or her.
2. Start early and teach age appropriate skills so they and become independent. Show the child how the task should be done. Be clear with your expectations. Whether it’s tying shoes, making the bed or writing his or her name or doing his or her homework. Let them practice in your presence until he or she gets it right.  3. Set realistic limits for desirable behavior and hold him or her accountable. Encourage behaviors you want to see in the child Such as, “When you’ve done what you have to do, then you may do what you want to do.” or “This is the way we talk to people.”
4. Be a role model for the child. Parents must show the child what matters through the way they live. If parents want to raise a kind and responsible child, they must lead by modeling kind and responsible behavior.
5. Catch the child doing good. Children love being noticed and  receiving recognition. Most undesirable behavior can be avoided when the child get positive attention for desirable behavior.
6. Give the child an important role or responsibility within the family. Whether is setting the table for family meals or feeding the family pet, let him or her know why it’s important and how it helps the family.
7. Avoid nagging, yelling, and criticizing. Those behaviors merely teaches undesirable ways of dealing with conflict.
8. Most of all, withdraw from the power struggle. Cool off and try again with instructions. Stay tuned for more in this subject.

     Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives in Tunica and writes with the Tunica Chapter of the Mississippi Writers Guild in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books she has written.

Managing Anger
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson

    Have you ever noticed how some people get ticked off easily and lose their tempers in no time flat?  Anger is blamed for so many violent and painful interactions such as road rage, child and domestic abuse, fratricide, fist fits and all manner of yelling and screaming that hurt relationships in unamenable ways.
    And anger is not even a primary emotion like happiness or elation. It’s a secondary emotion, meaning it’s a reaction to others emotions that we resort to in order to protect ourselves or cover up other vulnerable feelings. We almost always feel something else first such as fear, frustration, guilt or shame before we get angry. And it only takes a split second. Many things can trigger anger, like someone cutting you off in traffic, someone criticizing you, someone being waited on in a restaurant when you got there first, children not following the rules or outright defying them. The list goes on. We all have one.
    Down to brass tacks. Try as you may to blame others for making you angry, you have to admit you are responsible for your behavior and you’ll suffer the consequences for acting inappropriately.
     The most important thing to figure out is what makes you angry. Is it the same kind of thing every time or do different things make you lose it? After years of practicing Psychotherapy, I’ve learned that some people use their anger to control others. They feel big and powerful when people are tiptoeing around them. That’s an interesting kind of manipulation, don’t you think?
    But if you want your life to be better, you have to manage your anger. Whether you act it out or suppress it, anger is bad for your health. A quick Google search will show how anger causes  the adrenal glands to flood the body with stress hormones including adrenaline and cortisol. Heart rate, blood pressure and respiration increase, the body temperature rises and the skin perspires. The brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for flight. Chronic anger can increase your heart-attack and stroke risk. It can also weaken your immune system. People have been known to die in an anger episode.  
   Suppression is not the answer. People who bottle up their feelings often end up exploding or become depressed later. People who vent and yell just tend to keep the anger cycle in motion.
    When you believe the other person is making you angry, Like, (He is always mean to me or She is always so stupid.) you have to admit you have put him or her in charge of your emotions. Is that what your want, a mean or stupid person in charge of you?
    There are so many things that happens between that first spark of anger and a major flare-up. And only you will determine who’s in control. If sparks do start to fly, you have the power to put out the fire. The next time you have an issue on your hands, don't explode or let someone walk all over you. Use these simple steps from Psychology, a few simple steps using Cognitive Behavioral therapy can help you to lose the grip.
What’s A Person To Do?
1. Figure out what makes you angry. Write them down. Avoid them if you can.
2. Think before you speak
    In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.
3. Once you're calm and can think clearly, express your and frustration feelings using with 'I' statements rather than ‘You’ statements in a nonconfrontational way without blaming the other person. Request a solution that will work for you. For example, I worry when you’re not able to get to work on time. Will you let me know when you’ll be late?
4. When your temper flares, take a few deep breaths. Give yourself time to pause. Chill out. Take a few deep breaths and think of something more pleasant.
5. Put yourself in time out. Timeouts aren't just for kids. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry.
6. Lighten up can help diffuse tension. Find the humor in the situation to help you face what's making you angry. Maybe you have unrealistic expectations about how things should go.
Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.
7. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything and probably will make it worse.
8. Seek help when you need it. Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.


Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books she has written.    


   

Managing Anger
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson

    Have you ever noticed how some people get ticked off easily and lose their tempers in no time flat?  Anger is blamed for so many violent and painful interactions such as road rage, child and domestic abuse, fratricide, fist fits and all manner of yelling and screaming that hurt relationships in unamenable ways.
    And anger is not even a primary emotion like happiness or elation. It’s a secondary emotion, meaning it’s a reaction to others emotions that we resort to in order to protect ourselves or cover up other vulnerable feelings. We almost always feel something else first such as fear, frustration, guilt or shame before we get angry. And it only takes a split second. Many things can trigger anger, like someone cutting you off in traffic, someone criticizing you, someone being waited on in a restaurant when you got there first, children not following the rules or outright defying them. The list goes on. We all have one.
    Down to brass tacks. Try as you may to blame others for making you angry, you have to admit you are responsible for your behavior and you’ll suffer the consequences for acting inappropriately.
     The most important thing to figure out is what makes you angry. Is it the same kind of thing every time or do different things make you lose it? After years of practicing Psychotherapy, I’ve learned that some people use their anger to control others. They feel big and powerful when people are tiptoeing around them. That’s an interesting kind of manipulation, don’t you think?
    But if you want your life to be better, you have to manage your anger. Whether you act it out or suppress it, anger is bad for your health. A quick Google search will show how anger causes  the adrenal glands to flood the body with stress hormones including adrenaline and cortisol. Heart rate, blood pressure and respiration increase, the body temperature rises and the skin perspires. The brain shunts blood away from the gut and towards the muscles, in preparation for flight. Chronic anger can increase your heart-attack and stroke risk. It can also weaken your immune system. People have been known to die in an anger episode.  
   Suppression is not the answer. People who bottle up their feelings often end up exploding or become depressed later. People who vent and yell just tend to keep the anger cycle in motion.
    When you believe the other person is making you angry, Like, (He is always mean to me or She is always so stupid.) you have to admit you have put him or her in charge of your emotions. Is that what your want, a mean or stupid person in charge of you?
    There are so many things that happens between that first spark of anger and a major flare-up. And only you will determine who’s in control. If sparks do start to fly, you have the power to put out the fire. The next time you have an issue on your hands, don't explode or let someone walk all over you. Use these simple steps from Psychology, a few simple steps using Cognitive Behavioral therapy can help you to lose the grip.
What’s A Person To Do?
1. Figure out what makes you angry. Write them down. Avoid them if you can.
2. Think before you speak
    In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something you'll later regret. Take a few moments to collect your thoughts before saying anything — and allow others involved in the situation to do the same.
3. Once you're calm and can think clearly, express your and frustration feelings using with 'I' statements rather than ‘You’ statements in a nonconfrontational way without blaming the other person. Request a solution that will work for you. For example, I worry when you’re not able to get to work on time. Will you let me know when you’ll be late?
4. When your temper flares, take a few deep breaths. Give yourself time to pause. Chill out. Take a few deep breaths and think of something more pleasant.
5. Put yourself in time out. Timeouts aren't just for kids. A few moments of quiet time might help you feel handle what's ahead without getting irritated or angry.
6. Lighten up can help diffuse tension. Find the humor in the situation to help you face what's making you angry. Maybe you have unrealistic expectations about how things should go.
Avoid sarcasm, though — it can hurt feelings and make things worse.
7. Remind yourself that anger won't fix anything and probably will make it worse.
8. Seek help when you need it. Learning to control anger is a challenge for everyone at times. Seek help for anger issues if your anger seems out of control, causes you to do things you regret or hurts those around you.


Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books she has written.    


   

Loving Guidance Makes Better Behaving Children
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    As we prepare for the end to the school year when children more under foot, I began thinking about the many parenting issues that arise during this time. Indeed, the nearly 4 million incidences of child abuse occurred in the United States in 1915. My suspicion is these incidences of abuse occurred not because these children are unloved but, most likely, because parents act out their frustration in the process of disciplining. Parenting is not for wimps. Truly, parenting is really hard. And while we are forced to take a test before getting a drivers license, there is no such requirement for the raising our most precious cargo, our children.
    Many parents believe that strict parenting produces better behaving kids. However, research studies on discipline is consistent and shows that strict, or authoritarian, parenting actually makes unhappy kids who feel bad about themselves and makes them behave worse. This leads parents to believe more punishment is needed to make children comply.
    Permissive parenting doesn’t fare any better. When parents don’t set limits and cater to children’s every need, their children, don’t develop the ability to manage their emotions and behavior and are often seen as spoiled and lazy.
    All children need limits to feel safe. Discipline is an important and effective tool, but parents need to use it in a way that keeps the child’s dignity intact. Discipline is not the same as harsh punishment. Discipline is simply teaching children which behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not.
    Disciplining with love is a kind of Positive Parenting that allows parents to set limits effectively without yelling, name-calling and hitting. Parents do better when they teach instead of punish. This raises the question of how kids learn how to behave. Research shows that children learn best when they are given instructions, feel valued, and not put on the defensive.
what’s a Parent To Do or Not Do?
    Here are my ground rules for effective parenting.     
1. Never hit, spank, shake, or slap your child. Psychologists know that these behaviors teach that violence is a way to solve problems. Children also learn to lie and become sneaky, doing what they want under cover. Further, some children learn to fear and lose trust in parents and others in authorities. Even if it stops an unwanted behavior temporarily, studies show that children who are hurt by parents are more likely to hit and fight with other children, steal things, and engage in other anti-social behaviors. They are also more likely to act out in violent, aggressive ways when they become adults.
2. Avoid yelling, blaming, or calling children names for their bad behaviors. Instead, speak firmly, but kindly in a conversational tone. Be calm and describe the behavior you want to see.
3. Tell the child what to do instead of what not to do. You can’t do a don’t. Be descriptive. For example “Jump on the floor, not on the couch. The couch is for sitting.” Acknowledge when the child complies. Say, “That’s it. Or good job.”
4. Find alternatives to physical punishment. Consequences that are logically related to the transgression teach control and work better.
5. Also catch the child doing good and praise a job well done. Good teachers use this effectively.
6. Acknowledge your child’s feelings. You can say, “I see you are feeling upset. What’s going on?
7. Parenting is hard and we all get frustrated with our children’s behavior at times. Some of us get so angry we want to explode. When that happens, give yourself a time out. Go to the bathroom, take a few deep breaths and cool down.
8. Model the behavior you want to see. Children will likely follow your lead. If children repeatedly see parents acting out, they won’t know how to act differently.
9. Use loving words. Tell your children how much you love them, how much they mean to you, and how much you believe in them.
    Remember, our children are our future and are precious gifts that we’ve been given to love and respect. With love and kindness, discipline can be a positive experience.

© Dr. Rachell N. Anderson, April 3, 2017

Gifts For Mothers
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    As a Psychologist, I have experienced how the relationships between many mothers and their children resemble a long and winding road with plenty of twists and turns, dead ends and warm sunny days. Yet, I’ve found few mothers who would say it’s a road she wouldn’t take again. For the child, it may be different. For children, the relationship with their mothers are the foundation on which to build the sense of self. Attachment to our mothers help us learn who we are and who we will be in relationship to others. The process continues even after we become people with our own independent thoughts and feelings.
    Still there is no perfect mother. Most people have shortcomings and demands. Mothers are no exception. As we grow into maturity, her shortcomings or tendency to over-protect or control may make us feel unloved or infantile. I imagine every person can remember times when they were embarrassed by their mothers, especially as we entered our teen years. Still, whether the relationship was fraught with joy or woe, every person has (if he or she looks with care) things for which to thank their mother.     
    After giving your mother a hug, (if she’s still alive) telling her Happy Mother's Day, and presenting her with flowers, candy, or some other trinket: tell her or write down the things that would ignite your heartfelt gratitude. Take a moment to step back. What do you see? Craziness? Fogginess? Demands? Whatever? Don’t worry. You may discover that whatever you remember was somehow useful for your development in adult life.
    Instead of struggling through the hustle and bustle of brunches, purple flowers and such, consider other loving things you can do for her to thank your mother for what she’s done for you.  
    Here are some ideas from others I got while doing a workshop.
What’s A Person To Do To Thank Mother?
1. I’d give the gift of touch.
    A. I’d give her a hand massage and a manicure. I’d treat those hands that have done so much for me with relaxing love and care.
    B. I’d give her a back rub. I’d let my fingers do the talking and give Mom a chance to relax and feel my love.
    C. I’d give her a foot massage. I think feet are a lot like moms. They work hard and seldom get the attention they deserve. Now is the time to change that.
    D. I’d give her a facial that is relaxing and would leave face glowing with the beauty that I know is in her heart.
2. I’d give her more of my time the way she gave her time to us.
3. Give her the gift of clarity.
    A. I’d tell my mother something that I learned from her. It’s just a reminder of how special she is to me and what impact she had on my world.
    B. I’d tell her what she did that made me happy.    
    C. I’d fill a notebook with my favorite memories. I’d dig out all the gems of our times together and the little things we shared. I’d include pictures, bits of fabric and poems that fit the occasions.
4. I’d give her the gift of peace. I’d make a no fighting pledge. That means I’d agree to stop bickering and fighting with my sibling and others in her life. Mom will be delighted. It’ll be hard but I think I can do it.
5. I’d give her the gift of thanks.
    A. For the example she set for love of family, her strength in the face of adversity and the sacrifices she made for her family.
    B. For listening to me. For being herself. I look like her and I act like her. I finally understand my self by understanding her. That has finally given me a sense of peace.
    C. I’d thank her for being an excellent grandmother.
D. I’d thank her for teaching me to be kind to animals and people and to look for the good in everyone.
    E. I’d thank her for believing in me. Through love, patience and determination, she nurtured the shy little person of my youth to become a strong confident leader.
    F. I’d thank her for not giving me more siblings. Nine was quite enough.
     G. I’d thank her for her sense of adventure. She opened the     world to me and saved me from a life of boredom as the wife     of a rural dirt farmer.     
    H. I’d thank her for teaching me to manage life in an unpredictable world and find happiness in the process. That’s a lesson we all can use.
    Well, that’s quite a list and I imagine you’ll add to it. Some people tell me that by doing this, they finally understand the struggles their mothers went through. And that now that they have children, they understand and appreciate their mothers more than ever.
    Then, here’s a gift you may not have considered. Is there anything your mother did that you vowed never to do to your children? When you are able not to do it, your children will be
straighter road to happiness.
(C) Dr. Rachell N. Anderson, April 30, 2018