Why The Library Is Important To Me
By
 Rachell N. Anderson

    I write. Most writers read. The Library is important to me because that’s where the books are. I have spent a great deal of my life in libraries and feel very much at home in them. I can get nearly everything I need there, from the stacks or through the interlibrary loan system which a member of the friendly and competent staff is willing to search for me. Free internet access is also important.
    The book sales managed by the Friends of the Library are a steal. For .$20-$1.00 a book, I buy the book, read and return it to the library for resale. I’m richer from the experience.
    The library provides me a change of scenery and promises me a peaceful and quiet place in which to work. I’m there 3 or 4 times a week to write and to think. Most of the time, the library delivers. And sometimes, the library provides me with a distraction that’s a people watcher’s dream. There I can watch patrons defy the no eating, no cell phone, no screaming children rules. Some play music videos on their lap top computers or smart phones, and have loud conversations with their companions. The staff uses tact and finesse to bring them in line with respectful library behavior. They must have learned from Mahatma Gandhi. This stuff may end up in one of my stories.
    Still, on too many days, the library is where I want and need to be. Without it, my work would suffer.
Just one last note. This little poster strategically placed may help.

      










 © Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D. April 6, 2013

Driving with Children Can Drive You Crazy
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    Let’s face it, in Mississippi, we love our children and we need our cars but, when you put the two together (especially if there’s more than one child on board) they can drive parents crazy.
     We’ve all seen this scene. A parent is driving. Kids in the back seat, restless. Someone begins to whine. The kids start battling and tattling. “He touched me.” He touched me first.” The parents begin to scold. Don’t touch him” Don’t anybody touch anybody!!” And the fighting intensifies. Soon the parent is driving with one hand and reaching in the back seat trying to swat everyone to silence.
    Except, there is no silence. Whether on a short trip or a long one, this produces a driver that is more distracted than one who is texting and driving. It’s very dangerous.  
    Cries, screams and more fighting occurs. Whether a short trip or a long one, kids get restless, bored and angry. Kids have energy. They have a short attention spans. They get wired. They  don’t like to be confined. Tussling with siblings relieves the boredom. The fighting solves their problem but gives you a problem of your own.
    Believe me, expecting peace and quiet with children cooped up in a car on a trip that is more than an hour is too much to
ask.     
So, What’s a Parent To Do?
    There are ways to make these trips with kids manageable and occasionally fun.
1. Pack for long trips with the children in mind. Bring along some books, tapes, games, snacks, coloring books and favorite blankets and toys. Let each child pack his or her own.
2. Take frequent breaks to allow kids to rest their legs and run around a bit.
3. Food helps. Bring along a cooler with healthy snacks and drinks. Trail mix, raisins, juice boxes, fresh fruit and baby carrots are some of my favorites.
4. Let the kids handle the maps and set the buzzer on the phone and you won’t hear “Are We There Yet?”
5. For shorter trips, when the noise level reaches the decibel  that’s distracting it’s time to act. Say to the children in a calm but firm voice “I’m sorry but I can’t drive when there’s so much noise. I get distracted and it’s dangerous. I’ll have to pull over now and wait until it’s quiet again.” Give it a minute. If the noise continues (and it likely will) find a safe place to pull off the road. Say “ when it’s quiet, we can continue.”
    Say no more just look straight ahead and wait. When you do this the first time, the kids won’t believe you and will likely try to push just the right buttons to get you to start yelling again. Be strong and show no reaction. It’ll pay off in the long run.
    As soon as it’s quiet, start the car and be on your way.  
If the noise increases again, say nothing. Simply find a safe place and pull over and wait. You may need to do this several times for the kids to really get it. Be patient with yourself but be consistent and use this method for all your noisy trips. After all, both you and the kids are learning something new. It’ll get easier with practice.  
    When using this method, no one is maligned, put down or hurt and you’ll have nothing to feel guilty about when the trip is done. Getting to your destination will become a part of the fun. Remember that the trip is not just about getting there, but like life, it’s about the journey.
© Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D. June 7, 2013
    Dr. Anderson is a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a private Clinical in Springfield, Illinois for more than 40 years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.

   

Tell It Like It Is: Knowing Family History Makes Children Stronger
    There is something powerful about knowing our family’s stories because our personal stories are embedded in our family’s histories. They tell us who we are and how to be in the world. Psychologists know that children understand who they are not only through their individual experience, but through the filters of family stories.
    Stories are powerful frames for understanding the world and ourselves (Miller, 2006). Who we are is largely defined by the experiences we have and how we understand those experiences (McLean 2007). In other words, it’s not what happens to us but what we make of it that effects our behavior. Family discussions help to formulate our own perspectives of those experiences.
    Our family history provide a sense of identity through time and help children understand who they are in the world. Children who know about their relatives have a higher levels of emotional well-being and educational functioning. When families share stories about parents and grandparents, about their ups and downs, their triumphs and failures, they provide powerful models for children.
    A team of researchers from Emory University found that knowledge of family history help children to have a stronger sense of self, have higher self-esteem, better family functioning, greater family cohesiveness, lower levels of anxiety, and lower incidence of behavior problems. They also found family knowledge can predict children's well-being and likelihood of overcoming psychological and educational challenges.
    The Emory researchers had theorized that family stories are a critical part of adolescents' emerging identity and well-being, but they haven't been able to measure how much kids knew about their family’s history and inter-generational family stories. The Emory researchers developed a "Do You Know" (DYK) scale to measure that. The DYK scale has 20 yes/ no questions asking the child to report if they know such things as how their parents met, or where they grew up and went to school among many others. Indeed, some of the children didn’t know the legal names of their grandparents, for instance, but the teens who knew more stories about their extended family showed higher levels of emotional well-being, and also higher levels of identity achievement.
    Psychologist understand that regardless of the activity, the human being need to be with others because it helps fend off the anxiety and aloneness. Traditionally, family meals have served that purpose and provided opportunities for conversations about ongoing events in the family’s life.
    Hofferth (1999:2000) studied changes in American family life and found that the single strongest predictor of academic achievement and low rates of behavioral problems was the amount of home-based family meal time. She found that meal time as a family was a more powerful predictor than time spent in school, studying, church, or participation in sports. Yet, time spent in the traditional family meal is losing ground to sports and other extra-curricular activities, work, wireless communication and time.
    Too often when families do sit down together, most are less than happy with the outcome. Family dinners are often conflict ridden and unproductive for problem solving. There is a great deal correcting table manners, complaining about unacceptable behavior, sulking and sullen children, frustrated parents. Talk like pass the peas, salt or butter was most common. Many topics are interrupted, switched back and forth from school-related issues, to family issues, to problem-solving, and the like. Keeping track of what’s going on can be mind boggling.
    Other researchers have analyzed dinner time conversations and other measures to see of how well families work. When examining how families re-tell the same stories, reworking the narrative to explain and clarify, they illuminate how these give-and-take interactions go beyond influencing memories for the events; they encourage perspective-taking, critical thinking, theory-building, and relationship roles within the family. Considering this process, family dinner time is worth the hassle.
So, what’s a Parent to do?
1.     Tell your story. The most important thing you can do may be the easiest of all. Tell your children the stories of their family. Children who know more about their parents, grandparents, and other relatives – both their ups and their downs – have higher self-esteem and greater confidence to confront their own challenges.
2. Share the good, and the not so good
    The stories need not be focused only on successes. Knowing how one's parents and grandparents made some foolish mistakes may help a young person avoid them. Knowing how they avoided pitfalls to success may be instructive in future careers.
3. Worry less about table manners and what’s being eaten. Without badmouthing anyone, give family members a chance to settle down, have a bite to eat and chat. While the process matters, the results are more important. Knowledge of family stories is more than simply a marker for better family communication and functioning in general, but rather, there is something powerful about how they help strengthen the bonds of attachment.

© Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D., April 29, 2013

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical in Springfield, Illinois for more than 40 years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.