Dr. Rachell Anderson
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A Day For Forgiving

8/16/2017

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August 7th, 2016 was designated as the International Day of Forgiveness by the World Forgiveness Alliance (WFA). They ask that each person take 2 minutes for what they call The Moment of Calm to forgive someone who has done them harm.  And, you ask yourself-Why do we need an International Day of Forgiveness? My answer is-we don’t need it but most of us can use it as an opportunity to make our lives, the life of our community, the nation, and the world, better.
    These are troubled times. We are all human beings living in relationships with other imperfect humans. As a result, someone has done something that hurt, disrespected, or put each of us at a disadvantage. And, because our brains are hard-wired to hold on to negative materials rather than the positive, we are likely to have a treasure troll of fear, anger, confusion, sadness, and hate stored in our memory and in our bodies. You may think you are totally justified for the hate you hold toward the person or situation. I say; think again.
    Scientists have studied the health benefits of forgiveness. Their studies found that there are serious mental, emotional and physical disadvantages for having an unforgiving heart. In some studies, forgiveness is linked to a lessening of chronic back pain and depression.  Other studies found forgiveness reduces levels of stress hormones which cause anxiety and other forms of dis-ease.
    So, what is forgiveness? Psychologists generally define forgiveness as a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness or has ask for it. According to Mother Theresa, “There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven.”
    However, forgiveness doesn’t require you to gloss over or deny the seriousness of the offense or to act as if nothing has happened. It doesn’t require you to forget, or continue or recommit yourself to the relationship but it involves accepting the promise that the future can be more than dwelling on memories of past injury. It doesn’t depend on whether the person who did you wrong apologizes, wants you back, or promises to change his or her ways. That’s a different decision for you to make.
    If another person's poor behavior were the primary determinant for your healing then the unkind and selfish people in your life would retain power over you indefinitely.
    On a personal level, as long as you hold on to the hurts, the perpetrators is in control of many aspects of your life. The hurts gets what Psychologists call generalized-meaning it spreads to other people and situation such as those who look, act, share gender, ethnicity, age and other characteristics as the perpetrator. Before long, you’ll have suspicions and negative attributions for folks you haven’t even met. This makes your world a very difficult place.
    Constantly reliving your wounded feelings gives the person who caused you pain power over you. If you are at war with others you cannot be at peace with yourself. According to Marianne Williamson “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison yourself and expecting the other person to die.” Forgiving will set you free. Non-forgiveness keeps you in the struggle. Being willing to forgive can bring a sense of peace and well-being. It lifts anxiety and delivers you from depression. It can enhance your self-esteem and give you hope. Forgiveness is an act where you let go of the painful feelings and memories and change you from prisoners of the past to liberated a person at peace with your heart. Forgiveness is the experience of finding peace inside and can neither be compelled nor stopped by another. When we forgive, we do it for ourselves, not for the other person. It takes much more courage, strength of character, and inner conviction to forgive than it does to hang on to hold on to your agony.
    So if you missed the International Day of Forgiveness designated by the World Forgiveness Alliance (WFA)create your own day to forgive.
What’s A Person To Do?
1. Free yourself. My favorite way to do it is to pick a day sometime in the future. Approach the day with the intent of letting go of the pain. Find a quiet place where you won’t be disturbed. Bring the painful experience into your mind. Hold it a moment, then let it go. Just as you would set a bird free to the wild, lift your arms, open your hands and heart and let it go. Sit a while and enjoy the lightness you feel as a result. This may sound weird, but it works. I’ve done it many times.
2. Buck up and become encouraged. It takes much more courage, strength of character, and inner conviction to forgive than it does to hang on to your hurts.
3. Remember, ff you are at war with others you cannot be at peace with yourself. Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself and allows you to love again. After forgiveness, comes peace and love.
 

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Resolving Family Comflicts

8/16/2017

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We romanticize and glamorize families and we place great expectations and demands on them. While we often expect families to be above the chaos that exists in the rest of society, that belief places unrealistic expectations upon them. In the real world, families are not always a haven, since they, too, can be filled with conflict.
     Still at the very least, families are much more than groups of people who share the same genes or the same address. We look to our family as source of love and support. This does not mean that everyone gets all he or she wants or that it comes to us without struggle. Conflicts, then, are a part of family life and is the rule rather than the exception.
    Families are under constant stress, being pushed and pulled from many directions. Conflicts can come from many sources both internal and external. Parental conflict is commonplace. Sibling rivalry and competition and present. Parent-child conflict takes the cake. Death, illness, physical separation, financial strains, divorce are some of the events to which families have to adjust. Some families experience conflict as a result of different views about the world. Although stress and disagreements are common, they can be destructive to families, especially when conflict gets out of hand.
    Parental conflict is common in many families and often leads to friction involving the entire family. Most parental problems revolve around financial matters, infidelity, different views regarding child rearing and family decision making. Homes with high levels of parental conflict often have a tense and hostile environment is detrimental effects children. Children learn what they live.
    Looking back at recorded history, it appears be common for brothers and sisters to fight. Sibling rivalry makes good literature but it's not pleasant for anyone in the house. And a family can only tolerate a certain amount of it.
    Parent-children conflicts are commonplace too. As parents assert their authority, and children try to assert their autonomy appropriately, strife is inevitable. A parent-child power struggle can create conflict and stress for the entire family. Power struggles frequently appear when children reach certain developmental stages. Ask any parent who has parented a two year old or a teenager.
    Change is a part of life. Issues such as illness, disability, addiction, job loss, school problems, and marital issues bring on additional levels of stress. Consequently, stability shouldn't be the only measure of a family's success. Many families function quite well, despite frequent disruptions. In fact, one important measure of a family's success is its ability to adjust to change. Daily life is full of stresses that constantly demand accommodation.    
      Another type of family conflict is lack of proper communication. Many families communicate superficially and don't have time to share meaningful conversations. The conflict in this arrangement is that there are no opportunities to discuss family values, and other important issues.
    Yet despite these differences, parents are responsible for imparting to each child a sense of being loved and accepted, for helping each child to succeed at various developmental tasks, and for socializing each child into respecting the rules and accepting the responsibilities society imposes. These are indeed awesome tasks. Disagreements will happen as part of being in a family and living together.
    In all the years I worked to help family members get-along better, I found things that stand out as true detriments to resolving these normal conflicts. I suggest the following remedies.
What’s A person To Do?
1. Accept that conflict is normal. This the first step in dealing with it. Look for and use appropriate ways to deal with problems; the kind that promote growth and acceptance of each family member.
2. Remember that the person in the conflict is someone you love and you want to preserve the integrity of the relationship. Winning the battle is not as important as the relationship.  
3. Refrain from unhealthy communication such as in yelling, cursing, blaming and insulting one another.
4. Listen to each other and work to resolve conflicts. Do your best to see things from the other’s point of view. Psychologists call is empathizing.
5. Focus on the issue at hand, not on past transgressions or the person’s character.
6. When you speak, use a conversational tone. Loud voices increases emotionality which get in the way of resolving the conflict.
7. Take leave (temporarily) when your emotions get the best of you. Cool down and return when you are more level headed.
8. Life happens in ways you can’t predict. Welcome change and learn flexibility.
    Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives in Tunica and writes with the Tunica Chapter of the Mississippi Writers Guild in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books. 
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Resolving Family Conflicts

8/14/2017

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Resolving Family Conflicts
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    We romanticize and glamorize families and we place great expectations and demands on them. While we often expect families to be above the chaos that exists in the rest of society, that belief places unrealistic expectations upon them. In the real world, families are not always a haven, since they, too, can be filled with conflict.
     Still at the very least, families are much more than groups of people who share the same genes or the same address. We look to our family as source of love and support. This does not mean that everyone gets all he or she wants or that it comes to us without struggle. Conflicts, then, are a part of family life and is the rule rather than the exception.
    Families are under constant stress, being pushed and pulled from many directions. Conflicts can come from many sources both internal and external. Parental conflict is commonplace. Sibling rivalry and competition and present. Parent-child conflict takes the cake. Death, illness, physical separation, financial strains, divorce are some of the events to which families have to adjust. Some families experience conflict as a result of different views about the world. Although stress and disagreements are common, they can be destructive to families, especially when conflict gets out of hand.
    Parental conflict is common in many families and often leads to friction involving the entire family. Most parental problems revolve around financial matters, infidelity, different views regarding child rearing and family decision making. Homes with high levels of parental conflict often have a tense and hostile environment is detrimental effects children. Children learn what they live.
    Looking back at recorded history, it appears be common for brothers and sisters to fight. Sibling rivalry makes good literature but it's not pleasant for anyone in the house. And a family can only tolerate a certain amount of it.
    Parent-children conflicts are commonplace too. As parents assert their authority, and children try to assert their autonomy appropriately, strife is inevitable. A parent-child power struggle can create conflict and stress for the entire family. Power struggles frequently appear when children reach certain developmental stages. Ask any parent who has parented a two year old or a teenager.
    Change is a part of life. Issues such as illness, disability, addiction, job loss, school problems, and marital issues bring on additional levels of stress. Consequently, stability shouldn't be the only measure of a family's success. Many families function quite well, despite frequent disruptions. In fact, one important measure of a family's success is its ability to adjust to change. Daily life is full of stresses that constantly demand accommodation.    
      Another type of family conflict is lack of proper communication. Many families communicate superficially and don't have time to share meaningful conversations. The conflict in this arrangement is that there are no opportunities to discuss family values, and other important issues.
    Yet despite these differences, parents are responsible for imparting to each child a sense of being loved and accepted, for helping each child to succeed at various developmental tasks, and for socializing each child into respecting the rules and accepting the responsibilities society imposes. These are indeed awesome tasks. Disagreements will happen as part of being in a family and living together.
    In all the years I worked to help family members get-along better, I found things that stand out as true detriments to resolving these normal conflicts. I suggest the following remedies.
What’s A person To Do?
1. Accept that conflict is normal. This the first step in dealing with it. Look for and use appropriate ways to deal with problems; the kind that promote growth and acceptance of each family member.
2. Remember that the person in the conflict is someone you love and you want to preserve the integrity of the relationship. Winning the battle is not as important as the relationship.  
3. Refrain from unhealthy communication such as in yelling, cursing, blaming and insulting one another.
4. Listen to each other and work to resolve conflicts. Do your best to see things from the other’s point of view. Psychologists call is empathizing.
5. Focus on the issue at hand, not on past transgressions or the person’s character.
6. When you speak, use a conversational tone. Loud voices increases emotionality which get in the way of resolving the conflict.
7. Take leave (temporarily) when your emotions get the best of you. Cool down and return when you are more level headed.
8. Life happens in ways you can’t predict. Welcome change and learn flexibility.
    Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives in Tunica and writes with the Tunica Chapter of the Mississippi Writers Guild in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books. 
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    Dr. Rachell Anderson's monthly column appears in the Tunica Times in Tunica Mississippi and the Southern Roots Magazine in Meredian, Mississippi.

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