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Stop Yelling: Your Teenager is not done yet

3/2/2014

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Stop Yelling:
Your Teenager Is Not Done Yet
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    When children become adolescents, many parents watch baffled as their formerly loving, calm, responsible child turn into someone they don’t recognize. The changes may be subtle at first but soon the streaked haired, weird clothed, sulking and  sullen alien stands before their eyes. Some teens engage in risky behaviors that can ruin their lives forever (Diving too fast,  driving while texting, and having unprotected sex come to mind).   It’s painful to watch and even more difficult to abide. Some parents report that their teen,(seemingly overnight) became maddeningly self-centered, rude, selfish, and, a pompous know-it-all whom they can no longer reach no matter how hard they try.
    Faced with these challenges, many parents resort to yelling, punishing and cajoling the teen in an effort to make their teen listen and take heed to their teaching. But it doesn’t work.
    Yelling has many major draw-backs. 1. It makes things spiral  of control. 2. It makes it harder for the teen to hear what you want them to learn. 3. Yelling causes painful feeling that may fuel behavioral problems. 4. Those behavior problems led parents to increase their verbal abuse and escalate the cycle. 5.  Anything parents do to berate or shame their teen it erodes the power they have.
    According Dr. Ming-Te Wang, an assistant professor in the departments of education and psychology at the University of Pittsburgh “Yelling can prove toxic for young teens. Adolescence is a very sensitive period. Teens are trying to develop their sense of self. When you yell, it hurts their self image. Yelling, cursing or lobbing insults, such as calling teens lazy or stupid makes them feel they are not capable, that they are worthless and are useless.”
    According to Timothy Verduin, clinical assistant professor of child and adolescent psychiatry at the Child Study Center at NYU Langone and co-author of the study with Dr. Ming-Te Wang,  “Parents who yell at their adolescents for misbehaving risk causing depression and further aggressive behavior. Shouting cannot reduce or correct their problem behavior," On the contrary, it makes it worse."    
    Dr. Jensen, in her work researching the human brain found that the behavior is a matter of inadequate brain development. She says "Well, actually, that's the developmental stage. They aren't yet at that place where they're thinking about — or capable, necessarily, of thinking about the effects of their behavior has on other people. That requires insight.”
    Teen brains are not fully connected. The nerve cells in the  frontal lobes are sluggish because teenagers don't have as much of the fatty coating called myelin, or “white matter” in that area. The brain's "white matter" enables nerve signals to flow freely between different parts of the brain. In teenagers, the frontal lobes (the part that governs judgment) is the last to fully connect. It's not that they don't have a frontal lobe. And they can use it. But they access it more slowly."
    Because we can’t see the brain, most of us have little appreciation for how it affects our behavior when in fact, it is the little computer that controls everything we do, experience, think, and feel.
    So, what’s a parent to do?    
1. You can’t always control my teens’ actions, but you can control your reaction. Walk away and take a breather. It won’t do as much damage as yelling.
2. According to Dr. Timothy Verduin “Parents can discipline teens by taking away privileges, such as screen time or the car keys make sure you do it without attaching a ton of critical, punitive, insulting language to it."
3. Remember that teens are people too. Like all people, they have good days and bad days. Some days things go well for them while on other days, things are difficult. When things are difficult, yelling doesn’t help, and like all people, they don’t like to be yelled at.
4. Incredible moments can happen when you don’t yell. So give it a try.
    

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a licensed Clinical Psychologist, Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a private Clinical in Springfield for more than 40 years. She lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles.
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What's Love Got to do with it?

3/2/2014

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What’s Love Got to Do With It?
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson

    Everywhere I look these past few weeks, there are Valentine’s Day reminders to celebrate love. Shop windows and stores display red roses, candy, cards, and other trinkets to remind us that we must pay attention to the ones we love. These are Hallmark moments that prompt lovers to do something meaningful to show each other that they are loved. It’s nice to give and to receive these tokens and gestures of love. Love is a beautiful and powerful thing. If you let it, love will be your light in the darkness-the truth that allays doubt.
    According to licensed psychologist Dr. Rachel Needle, an associate professor and coordinator of Clinical Experiences at South University, West Palm Beach, “Falling in love is associated with increased energy, narrowing of mental focus, sometimes sweaty palms, light-headedness, racing heart, and a lot of positive feelings. Specific chemical such as oxytocin, phenethylamine, and dopamine play a role in human experiences and behaviors that are associated with love. They function similar to amphetamine, making us alert, excited, and wanting to bond.”
    Love can give you a ton of energy. It can make the difference between feelings of happiness and well-being and feelings of depression. Loving someone can see you through uncomfortable situations and inspire your creativity. Many people will tell you that they could not have gotten to where they are in this world without loved ones by their side. Love is powerful and compassionate and can aid in the healing of many ills.
    However, there is a shadow side of this wonderful gift of love. Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with it. The focus on things like cards, candies and flowers perpetuates the myth that love can somehow be bought. The bigger the gift; the greater the love, and that for the right price, you can experience true love. Also, for too many people, love has become synonymous with sex. Some people don’t know the difference. With sex you can give your body without giving your heart. Almost anyone can do that. Love demands heart.
    Then there are those who are operating on the assumption love is some mysterious thing that just happens to us and over which we have no control. Consistent with the old blues song “Love will make you drink and gamble--make you stay out all night long...” We fall in love and from that point on, we’re helpless and powerless over it’s influence. Yes, love is powerful but we choose to love. And we must choose loving behaviors to sustain it.
What’s a Person to Do?
1.  Extending your love to another person is something that shouldn’t be confined to one day in the year. We can show our support, care, understanding, encouragement and affection at any time and to anyone.
2. We must realize that Valentine’s Day has so little to do with love. Love isn’t a gift that can be exchanged. Love is so precious and so pure; it can be given and received but never bought.
3. Love does heal, but only up to a point. You can't solve someone else's problems, and they can’t fix yours. You have to step up to the plate and take care of yourself the best way you can. Love will help to give you the courage. A loving heart heals, but, so does persistence, knowledge, generosity, imagination, and hard work.
4. Love exists in all of us and so does fear of pain. Getting through this life requires us to use a judicious amount of both. The brave amongst us are courageous enough to take the plunge and give our hearts. By protecting our hearts, the rest deny the very essence of our selves. Mother Theresa is quoted as saying, “I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.”
    So, what’s love got to do with it? Everything. The fabric of our lives is woven from strands both dark and bright. Treasures are found when we weave the light and dark strands into something useful and beautiful that is not for ourselves alone. Love gives entrance into what it means to be human. May this be so for you.     
© Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D. January 23, 2013

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a licensed Clinical Psychologist, Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a private Clinical in Springfield for more than 40 years. She lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles.

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It's Cool to be Kind

3/2/2014

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It’s Cool To Be Kind
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    One day after working for several hours doing research in the library, I was pretty tired and my mental health meter wasn’t exactly hitting 100-you know what I mean? As I was leaving the library, young man (I don’t know his name) held the door open allowing me to exit with ease. I thanked him and left with a greatly uplifted spirit and all of a sudden, Tunica seemed like a better place to live. That got me thinking about the mental health benefits of kindness.    
    Did you know it’s cool to be kind? Research has shown that acts of kindness do not only benefit receivers but also the givers. These acts allow the release of neurotransmitters in the brain responsible for feelings of contentment and relaxation. Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a professor of psychology at the University of California, Riverside, has studied happiness for more than 20 years. She and others know that positive activities boost positive emotions, thoughts and behavior, in turn improving well-being. Dr. Lyubomirsky, found that performing positive acts at least once a week led to the most happiness. Performing a variety of kind and grateful behaviors helps maximize happiness. In addition, researchers at University of California, Los Angeles, and University of Cambridge and University of Plymouth in the United Kingdom found that kindness is contagious. When we see someone help another person it gives us a good feeling, which in turn causes us to go out and do something altruistic ourselves. The opposite of generosity, stinginess, works by this same principle. People who are less generous often have the feeling that they are being cheated and treated unfairly.
    As the year comes to a close and the new year approaches,  you may think of resolutions you can achieve that will make your life better. Consider making resolutions that don’t just help you, but, help others at the same time? With all the violence, war, poverty, and unjust things going on in the world, it would take very little effort for you to make things better for you and others as suggested by the lyrics in this song:  
Touch somebody’s life
With your goodness
Touch somebody's life
With your love
Touch somebody's life
With understanding
For it's the only way
To show your Creator's love
    Can you use more love in your life? Do you have something in your life that needs to be changed? Are you’re thinking of making a New Year’s resolution to get it done? Try this.

Touch somebody's life
With your mercy
Touch somebody's life  
With your peace
Touch somebody's life
With your joy
And it's amazing how
Your own life will increase

So, What’s a person to do?
    With very little effort, you can make someone’s day go better. Give someone a smile. Be generous with your praise. Be kinder to someone at work. Say hello to people you pass on the street. Improve a sagging relationship with a friend or relative. Forgive. Wish someone well. Be tolerant of others from a cultural or religious beliefs. Be as helpful as you can be. Be kind to people and animals.  Visit someone in jail or in a nursing home. Shuttle someone’s tray in the cafeteria. Buy someone’s lunch. Sweep someone’s porch. Give the waitress a bigger tip. Volunteer at a local charity. Beautify your surroundings. Pick up trash on the walkway. Help someone have a fun memory. Commemorate someone who has made a difference in your life (teachers needs this).  Once you begin thinking of these random acts of kindness, more will come. Once you act on them, you’ll feel better.
                Touch somebody's life
As you pass them
You may never pass
That close again
It's not hard to
Reach out in love
And touch somebody
You'll be surprised
How soon that same touch
Will come back to you.

Lyrics © by Malin
For a Happy New Year, remember, it’s cool to be kind.

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for more than 40 years. She lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at www.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.
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    Dr. Rachell Anderson's monthly column appears in the Tunica Times in Tunica Mississippi and the Southern Roots Magazine in Meredian, Mississippi.

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