Loving Guidance Makes Better Behaving Children
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    As we prepare for the end to the school year when children more under foot, I began thinking about the many parenting issues that arise during this time. Indeed, the nearly 4 million incidences of child abuse occurred in the United States in 1915. My suspicion is these incidences of abuse occurred not because these children are unloved but, most likely, because parents act out their frustration in the process of disciplining. Parenting is not for wimps. Truly, parenting is really hard. And while we are forced to take a test before getting a drivers license, there is no such requirement for the raising our most precious cargo, our children.
    Many parents believe that strict parenting produces better behaving kids. However, research studies on discipline is consistent and shows that strict, or authoritarian, parenting actually makes unhappy kids who feel bad about themselves and makes them behave worse. This leads parents to believe more punishment is needed to make children comply.
    Permissive parenting doesn’t fare any better. When parents don’t set limits and cater to children’s every need, their children, don’t develop the ability to manage their emotions and behavior and are often seen as spoiled and lazy.
    All children need limits to feel safe. Discipline is an important and effective tool, but parents need to use it in a way that keeps the child’s dignity intact. Discipline is not the same as harsh punishment. Discipline is simply teaching children which behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not.
    Disciplining with love is a kind of Positive Parenting that allows parents to set limits effectively without yelling, name-calling and hitting. Parents do better when they teach instead of punish. This raises the question of how kids learn how to behave. Research shows that children learn best when they are given instructions, feel valued, and not put on the defensive.
what’s a Parent To Do or Not Do?
    Here are my ground rules for effective parenting.     
1. Never hit, spank, shake, or slap your child. Psychologists know that these behaviors teach that violence is a way to solve problems. Children also learn to lie and become sneaky, doing what they want under cover. Further, some children learn to fear and lose trust in parents and others in authorities. Even if it stops an unwanted behavior temporarily, studies show that children who are hurt by parents are more likely to hit and fight with other children, steal things, and engage in other anti-social behaviors. They are also more likely to act out in violent, aggressive ways when they become adults.
2. Avoid yelling, blaming, or calling children names for their bad behaviors. Instead, speak firmly, but kindly in a conversational tone. Be calm and describe the behavior you want to see.
3. Tell the child what to do instead of what not to do. You can’t do a don’t. Be descriptive. For example “Jump on the floor, not on the couch. The couch is for sitting.” Acknowledge when the child complies. Say, “That’s it. Or good job.”
4. Find alternatives to physical punishment. Consequences that are logically related to the transgression teach control and work better.
5. Also catch the child doing good and praise a job well done. Good teachers use this effectively.
6. Acknowledge your child’s feelings. You can say, “I see you are feeling upset. What’s going on?
7. Parenting is hard and we all get frustrated with our children’s behavior at times. Some of us get so angry we want to explode. When that happens, give yourself a time out. Go to the bathroom, take a few deep breaths and cool down.
8. Model the behavior you want to see. Children will likely follow your lead. If children repeatedly see parents acting out, they won’t know how to act differently.
9. Use loving words. Tell your children how much you love them, how much they mean to you, and how much you believe in them.
    Remember, our children are our future and are precious gifts that we’ve been given to love and respect. With love and kindness, discipline can be a positive experience.

© Dr. Rachell N. Anderson, April 3, 2017

Gifts For Mothers
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    As a Psychologist, I have experienced how the relationships between many mothers and their children resemble a long and winding road with plenty of twists and turns, dead ends and warm sunny days. Yet, I’ve found few mothers who would say it’s a road she wouldn’t take again. For the child, it may be different. For children, the relationship with their mothers are the foundation on which to build the sense of self. Attachment to our mothers help us learn who we are and who we will be in relationship to others. The process continues even after we become people with our own independent thoughts and feelings.
    Still there is no perfect mother. Most people have shortcomings and demands. Mothers are no exception. As we grow into maturity, her shortcomings or tendency to over-protect or control may make us feel unloved or infantile. I imagine every person can remember times when they were embarrassed by their mothers, especially as we entered our teen years. Still, whether the relationship was fraught with joy or woe, every person has (if he or she looks with care) things for which to thank their mother.     
    After giving your mother a hug, (if she’s still alive) telling her Happy Mother's Day, and presenting her with flowers, candy, or some other trinket: tell her or write down the things that would ignite your heartfelt gratitude. Take a moment to step back. What do you see? Craziness? Fogginess? Demands? Whatever? Don’t worry. You may discover that whatever you remember was somehow useful for your development in adult life.
    Instead of struggling through the hustle and bustle of brunches, purple flowers and such, consider other loving things you can do for her to thank your mother for what she’s done for you.  
    Here are some ideas from others I got while doing a workshop.
What’s A Person To Do To Thank Mother?
1. I’d give the gift of touch.
    A. I’d give her a hand massage and a manicure. I’d treat those hands that have done so much for me with relaxing love and care.
    B. I’d give her a back rub. I’d let my fingers do the talking and give Mom a chance to relax and feel my love.
    C. I’d give her a foot massage. I think feet are a lot like moms. They work hard and seldom get the attention they deserve. Now is the time to change that.
    D. I’d give her a facial that is relaxing and would leave face glowing with the beauty that I know is in her heart.
2. I’d give her more of my time the way she gave her time to us.
3. Give her the gift of clarity.
    A. I’d tell my mother something that I learned from her. It’s just a reminder of how special she is to me and what impact she had on my world.
    B. I’d tell her what she did that made me happy.    
    C. I’d fill a notebook with my favorite memories. I’d dig out all the gems of our times together and the little things we shared. I’d include pictures, bits of fabric and poems that fit the occasions.
4. I’d give her the gift of peace. I’d make a no fighting pledge. That means I’d agree to stop bickering and fighting with my sibling and others in her life. Mom will be delighted. It’ll be hard but I think I can do it.
5. I’d give her the gift of thanks.
    A. For the example she set for love of family, her strength in the face of adversity and the sacrifices she made for her family.
    B. For listening to me. For being herself. I look like her and I act like her. I finally understand my self by understanding her. That has finally given me a sense of peace.
    C. I’d thank her for being an excellent grandmother.
D. I’d thank her for teaching me to be kind to animals and people and to look for the good in everyone.
    E. I’d thank her for believing in me. Through love, patience and determination, she nurtured the shy little person of my youth to become a strong confident leader.
    F. I’d thank her for not giving me more siblings. Nine was quite enough.
     G. I’d thank her for her sense of adventure. She opened the     world to me and saved me from a life of boredom as the wife     of a rural dirt farmer.     
    H. I’d thank her for teaching me to manage life in an unpredictable world and find happiness in the process. That’s a lesson we all can use.
    Well, that’s quite a list and I imagine you’ll add to it. Some people tell me that by doing this, they finally understand the struggles their mothers went through. And that now that they have children, they understand and appreciate their mothers more than ever.
    Then, here’s a gift you may not have considered. Is there anything your mother did that you vowed never to do to your children? When you are able not to do it, your children will be
straighter road to happiness.
(C) Dr. Rachell N. Anderson, April 30, 2018