Hitting With Words Leaves Invisible Scars
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    “Sticks and stones may break my bones (but words will never hurt me)”. We’ve all heard this often quoted statement. Yet we all have some unkind word or phrase from long ago stuck in our craw which dims our little shining light just when we want it to shine.
    “You're acting like a baby.” “What are you, stupid?”“How can you be so dumb?” “You little Sh–. Get out of my face!” “Are you deaf? I just told you not to do that!”“You are useless.” “You little liar! God’s going to strike you dead. Well, you get the picture.
    I’ve heard these (and worse) words uttered by frustrated parents in grocery stores, restaurants, parks, places where families gather; trying to discipline and control their children. Add sarcasm and the parent’s face snarled with contempt and you’ve got bonafide samples of emotional abuse. Verbal aggression such as yelling and insulting; slamming doors and giving children the silent treatment are examples. Additionally, children who are shamed, humiliated, terrorized, or rejected, are also wounded leaving scars are invisible. Acts of emotional abuse are too numerous to list here but I can assure you one knows it when he or she  feels it. The consequences of emotional child abuse, though silent, can be serious and long-term.
    Researchers who studied children who were emotionally abused from birth to adulthood found that people who were verbally abused as children grow up to be self-critical adults, prone to depression and anxiety. When parents use hurtful, degrading words, children come to see themselves in those terms, they internalize these words, and spend a lifetime suffering from the impact.
    In the preschool years, researchers found these children are angry, uncooperative and loosely attached to their primary caregiver. They are often less creative, less persistence and less enthusiastic than their age mates. They often experienced depression, low cognitive ability, low educational achievement, and poor social skills. This same study found emotionally abused children may experience a lifelong pattern of depression, estrangement, anxiety, low self-esteem, inappropriate or troubled relationships, and lack of empathy.
    As teenagers, these children find it difficult to trust people and achieve happiness in relationships. The effects of emotional abuse gets hidden in all sorts of behavioral and mental health labels such as insecurity, poor self esteem, destructive behavior, angry acts such as fire setting or cruelty to animals, withdrawal, poor development of basic skills, alcohol or drug abuse, and even suicide.
    As adults, they may have trouble recognizing and appreciating the needs and feelings of their own children and will emotionally abuse them as well.
    In some instances, the effects of emotional abuse are so subtle that the child shows no outward signs but inwardly, self doubt, lack of courage and self blame permeates their internal dialogue. Emotional abuse is a silent epidemic inflicting wounds that leave children forever changed.
     Fortunately, most parents do not want to intentionally hurt their children. Without intervention, they simple do what they’ve learned from their parents and caretakers.   
What’s a parent to do?
1. Recognizing the impact of their own childhood history is an important first step. Change is possible. When people grow up in verbally charged and emotionally abusive environments, they are likely to heap to use what they’ve learned on their children.  
2. Parents need to understand that the way they treat their children has an impact on their children’s behavior. A request (would you please do...) is more effective that criticism (You didn’t do ....). and leaves no scars.
3.  When parents allow their stresses to influence how they treat their children, they risk teaching them the same negative behaviors. Is that what you want for your grand kids? No excuse is good enough to be unkind. Vow to break the cycle.
4. You can’t teach children what you haven’t learned. When you have strong emotions that make you want to lash out, count to 10 or 100 if you have to. The feelings will subside. They all do if you don’t act on them.
5. It is necessary to set limits with children but repeated  disregard for their feelings is a solution that causes more problems.
    Children are dependent on their parents, teachers and other adults to supply their needs. Children are vulnerable to these individuals. When children are abused by adults they learns not to trust them. When the abuse continues, mistrust is generalized to others making it difficult to function in school, employment and in life.
    These invisible scars strips life of its joy. Ending emotional abuse makes it possible to have better citizens and a better world.
© Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D. February 21, 2013

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emerita and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a private Clinical in Springfield, Illinois for more than 40 years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.

When Children Give Up
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    Have you ever watched children struggle, with fierce tenacity, to learn to tie their shoes or ride a bike-showing “I can do this myself.” It’s amazing and frustrating to watch. Most of us would rather just do it for them. It’s easier, faster and we adults will do it right.
   Then there’s the opposite; children who cry, whine, withdraw from things and, in general, display the attitude “I know I’ll fail, so I won’t try” and those who have adapted an “I don’t care” attitude are all headed for failure. The contrast between the two kinds of behaviors is mind boggling. Most parents would prefer the child in the first example.
    Some children become so discouraged they simply give up. Rather than compete with other kids, they “check Out” at school and at home. Rather than disappoint themselves and the adults in their lives, they build a wall of silence.
    This is the forth mistaken goal of misbehavior children acquire in their struggle to belong. All children want love and acceptance. They want to fit in and to stand out. If they believe they are unable to accomplish this, they may give up and isolate themselves from others. By withdrawing, they are seeking emotional protection while avoiding failure and rejection.
    Two themes in parenting must be considered in working with these children; Parents who expect too little and parents who expect too much.
    Parents who expect too little or overprotect don’t push their children to do their best, don’t encourage them to take reasonable chances, or do what is required of them especially if it’s difficult. Parents who overprotect, expect too little of children, and do for them what they can logically do for themselves are giving the underlying message that the child is incapable, dumb, helpless and innately fragile.
    The other side of the coin is when parents expect more than  their children are developmentally capable. A body of research found this occurs frequently in America. Parents overestimate children’s abilities for self control, to stay on task, to persevere, to be consistent, to get along socially. Too, research shows that when parents have expectations beyond children’s abilities, they judge and punish their children according to their expectations.
    When parents expectations go beyond their child’s abilities, it’s discouraging and produces an unnecessary sense of failure. It natural for a 2 year olds to get upset when they don’t get what they want and it’s too much to expect them to clean their rooms. But she or he can help. Three year get upset with change in the routine. Four year olds demand to be the center of attention. Six year olds are self conscious and rarely show consistent focus. These are developmentally appropriate behaviors. Teaching about appropriate reaction rather than punishment is more productive.
    If parents look closely at the crying, whining, giving up and emotionally isolating child, there is likely to be a thread of hostility. Dependency produces hostility. Deep down, children desperately want to achieve success. They are competitive, ambitious, and yes, afraid.
    They desperately want to achieve and succeed. They have, however, created (or accepted unrealistic standards imposed by others) unreasonable goals for themselves that they can't possibly accomplish. And they're afraid to take risks and try, because others might discover just how inadequate they are. It's easier just to check out. Does this sound familiar?
What’s a parent to do?
1.    Encouragement is the key to effective parenting. Encouragement is quite different from praise however and parents would be wise to learn the distinction. Praise focuses on the child (You are a good kid) while encouragement focuses on the behavior (You sure worked hard on that science project). Encouragement focuses on the effort rather than the results.  Encouragement addresses the child’s experience but praise addresses the adult’s feelings.
2. Have clear family rules that all must follow. Make sure the rules are clear and the child understands them. Be consistent. It makes children feel safe. Mixed messages cause further anxiety and internal stress. Use clear, concise language. You can’t Do a Don’t so it’s important to state what you want them to do rather than what you don’t want them to do. Say, “Carry this with both hands”, rather than, “Don’t drop this”. In other words, instructions work better that criticism.
3. Give responsibility without babying the child. I need your help with this. Then pay attention to the effort, not just the result. “You sure worked hard on that. Thanks.
4. Express trust in the child’s abilities. "I know you can do this. You do a great job." The child needs to understand that everyone makes mistakes and no one is perfect. Say. "Lots of kids make that mistake, that's normal. You are so good at trying your best, I know you can get it. Here, I'll show you a little trick."
5. Avoid discouraging remarks such as, “Oh, just give it to me, I’ll do it for you” or “Hurry up!” Try to create a life that is less hectic so there it time for training.
    With a consistent, clear message, children will rise to the expectation and be happier in the process.
    When children and encouraged to try new things and persist with things they have not quite mastered. gain confidence in themselves and will learn to work until they succeed. Sometimes, it takes showing the child step by step what needs to be done, other times, it takes words of encouragement. No matter what the situation is, to encourage a child, you have to focus on the positive things.
    When we encourage our children, we are showing them if they stay with it, their goals are within reach. In essence, we are helping to set a positive pattern for the rest of their lives.

    © Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D. March 26, 2013

Discipline or Punishment: To Hit or Not to Hit
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    A little girl about age 4 began a tantrum at the grocery store when her mother refused to buy candy. The man behind me in line declared with conviction, “Boy, if she were mine, I’d tan her little hide right here, right now.” He seemed very satisfied with himself while everyone around looked at him or the girl with a jaundiced eye. Yes, this is a touchy topic.
    So, your child had screwed up, yet again. He or she has done something that is clearly forbidden or failed to do something that was clearly expected. You’re disappointed, frustrated and angry, as only our children can make us and you can see (in your mind’s eye) the sheriff dragging him or her off to jail at some future date. You feel it’s you duty to correct him or her. The only thing you can think of is to “get” him or her.
    But wait, will it be punishment or discipline? Some parents may choose punishment. Other parents will choose discipline. This article will help you to discern the difference between the two.
    Our children can be our greatest source of love and pride and our biggest source of heartache. The closer the relationship, the more betrayed, angry, and frustrated we are likely to feel when our children misbehave. Even the kindest and most well-intentioned parent becomes exasperated at times. Some parents realize that their exasperation is related to their expectations rather than with what the child had done. Those who don’t may believe they have the right to treat the child with utmost disrespect.
What is discipline?
    Discipline means applying appropriate consequences to encourage a child to make better choices in the future. The original use of the word DISCIPLINE referred to instructions given to disciples. Discipline is future focused, points toward future acts, has nothing to do with retribution, or redemption and is designed to teach.
    Discipline holds the child's best interest, not the parent's anger, in the forefront. Discipline is never out of control. While the result of punishment is fear and shame, the result of discipline is security because the child has been given a different way to behave. When you think about this definition, it becomes clear that parents cannot impart discipline or knowledge, if they don’t themselves have either.
What about Punishment?
    Punishment allows parents to discharge their anger and aggression on a smaller, less powerful person. By punishing, parents find relief, are freed of upsetting emotions and assumes that all is well afterwards. How satisfying is that?
    Punishment teaches children that people in power can force others to do their will. And when the child is old enough and able, he or she will likely do the same. Punishment produces some very negative characteristics in children: guilt, shame, bitterness, resentment, regret, self-pity, fear, and more. Because punishment is focussed on the past, children are unable to undo what they've done wrong and make it right nor do they receive instructions for how to behave in the future. Punishment is simply retribution that leads to a lot of negative emotions and injured feelings that last longer than the physical pain.
    How many times have you heard this “My parents whipped me and look at me, I turned out ok”? Too many, I’m afraid. But that doesn’t mean that the punishment wasn’t detrimental. When the punished child reaches adulthood, he or she is likely to have repressed the trauma and remembers only the relief of having the punishment over. When punished, children no longer feels guilty about what they have done or obligated to make it right. They believe they have more than paid for the misbehaviour and develop a desire for revenge which they are likely to inflict on some less powerful person. Parents who were hit as children are likely to do the same to their own children and often to their spouse. Have you ever wondered why there is so much violence and anger in the world? We live what we’ve learned.
So, What’s a parent to do?
    The fundamental issue in raising children is to develop maturity and to create in the child the desire to be a moral, disciplined, and ethical person. Probably the only way for an undisciplined person to learn discipline is by watching and emulating someone who is disciplined. Thus, teaching discipline requires that parents are themselves, disciplined. When they are,  punishment is rarely necessary. Children learn better when they see their parents living by the values they are teaching. Modelling is the best way to teach your children to become better people who respect themselves and others.
    There is little question that when a child has seriously misbehaved, a consequence is needed. Shouting won’t help. It may shock or scare a child into doing what you want, but he or she will be unable to hear the instructions for better behaviour, if they’re presented.  
    It’s better to cool down before you make your move or you’ll end up causing harm. This is how abuse occurs. With firmness and kindness, make sure the child is held accountable and the consequence is directly related to the misbehaviour.
    Punishment makes raising children harder, not easier. Parents lacking patience take heed.
Next Month, I’ll write about alternatives to hitting.
© Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D. 5 March 2013

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a licensed Clinical Psychologist, Professor Emerita and Author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a private Clinical in Springfield for more that 40 years. She lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at www.drrachellanderson.com for more articles.