Not your mother’s love. Not your father’s love. Not the love of family and friends-this love, blood love, is thicker than holy water. Still, we are hard wired to crave the love and passion of another. With Valentine’s day approaching, lovers are planning, and scheming to show their loved one creative ways to express their love. Some of us do it publically while others are more oblique. Cards, flowers, valentine candy, a teddy bear, a trip to their favorite romantic movie and a date to remember may be in the mix. These positive, beautiful expressions of love give us  another corporate holiday. Still for some, it is about the light of love while for others, (especially those who have loved and lost), love hurts. That’s the shadow side of love. Certainly its history, its mythology, is bathed in sadness, pain and loss. It was on this shadow side of love that Valentine became St. Valentine, the patron Saint of lovers.
    Legend has it that Valentine, a priest and physician was imprisoned and put to death because he defied the king’s orders not to perform marriage ceremonies for soldiers. The king believed marriage made soldiers into poor fighters. Valentine believed all who loved should have the right to marry. While in prison, Valentine fell in love with the jailer’s blind daughter. After his execution, a love letter was found addressed to her, it read “love from your Valentine”. Two centuries later Pope Gelasius declared February 14th to be Saint Valentine’s day.
    In Greek Mythology, passionate love is said to begin when we are wounded by Cupid’s arrow. This suggests that we must first experience love’s pain before we can experience its joy; that we must be open to hurt before we can experience real love. Many examples of this myth reside in our folklore.
    Biological scientists have another perspective. They discovered that the three major drives in love, including sex drive, attachment, and partner preference are all controlled by chemicals in the brain. The primary chemicals (neurotransmitters, sex hormones, and neuropeptides) that govern these drives are testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Simply stated, chemical are the basis of love. The chemicals trigger, and are responsible for passionate love and long-term attachment. Individuals who have recently fallen in love show higher levels of the chemicals in the brain. That explains the sweaty palms, the sleepless nights and intense focusing on the lover.
    But chemicals fizzle and weaken and we need more than their diluting reaction to keep relationships strong and vibrant. At that point, love is as love does. We need to have learned to be faithful, kind, attentive, cooperative, dedicated, consistent and loyal. With the chemicals acting alone, relationships will be distant, chaotic, painful and perilous, producing what we all call  broken hearts. And broken hearts hurt. And, yes, love hurts but it, and life, are not over. We have to grieve and move on.
So, what’s a person to do?
1. Know your heart is not really broken, it just feels that way. And so do many other parts of your body. It’ll heal and if we can believe the experienced,(Those who have loved, lost and thrived) it’ll be stronger in all the broken places.
2. Allow yourself to grieve. When you do, you’ll discover what's truly important to you and you’ll be able to find your true purpose in life.  
3. Avoid the bitterness trap. Anger is a very powerful emotion. It can keep you locked up for a very long time. Let it go because it won’t let you go.   
4. Find the good in everyday. You’ll improve because of your actions, not just your feelings.
5. Stimulate the release of your endorphins with movement. A gym membership is a nice Valentine’s Day gift to yourself.
6. Vow to love again. If revenge is what you want, the best kind is to live a good life.

© Dr. Rachell N. Anderson, Psy.D.  2/13/2015

Not your mother’s love. Not your father’s love. Not the love of family and friends-this love, blood love, is thicker than holy water. Still, we are hard wired to crave the love and passion of another. With Valentine’s day approaching, lovers are planning, and scheming to show their loved one creative ways to express their love. Some of us do it publically while others are more oblique. Cards, flowers, valentine candy, a teddy bear, a trip to their favorite romantic movie and a date to remember may be in the mix. These positive, beautiful expressions of love give us  another corporate holiday. Still for some, it is about the light of love while for others, (especially those who have loved and lost), love hurts. That’s the shadow side of love. Certainly its history, its mythology, is bathed in sadness, pain and loss. It was on this shadow side of love that Valentine became St. Valentine, the patron Saint of lovers.
    Legend has it that Valentine, a priest and physician was imprisoned and put to death because he defied the king’s orders not to perform marriage ceremonies for soldiers. The king believed marriage made soldiers into poor fighters. Valentine believed all who loved should have the right to marry. While in prison, Valentine fell in love with the jailer’s blind daughter. After his execution, a love letter was found addressed to her, it read “love from your Valentine”. Two centuries later Pope Gelasius declared February 14th to be Saint Valentine’s day.
    In Greek Mythology, passionate love is said to begin when we are wounded by Cupid’s arrow. This suggests that we must first experience love’s pain before we can experience its joy; that we must be open to hurt before we can experience real love. Many examples of this myth reside in our folklore.
    Biological scientists have another perspective. They discovered that the three major drives in love, including sex drive, attachment, and partner preference are all controlled by chemicals in the brain. The primary chemicals (neurotransmitters, sex hormones, and neuropeptides) that govern these drives are testosterone, estrogen, dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Simply stated, chemical are the basis of love. The chemicals trigger, and are responsible for passionate love and long-term attachment. Individuals who have recently fallen in love show higher levels of the chemicals in the brain. That explains the sweaty palms, the sleepless nights and intense focusing on the lover.
    But chemicals fizzle and weaken and we need more than their diluting reaction to keep relationships strong and vibrant. At that point, love is as love does. We need to have learned to be faithful, kind, attentive, cooperative, dedicated, consistent and loyal. With the chemicals acting alone, relationships will be distant, chaotic, painful and perilous, producing what we all call  broken hearts. And broken hearts hurt. And, yes, love hurts but it, and life, are not over. We have to grieve and move on.
So, what’s a person to do?
1. Know your heart is not really broken, it just feels that way. And so do many other parts of your body. It’ll heal and if we can believe the experienced,(Those who have loved, lost and thrived) it’ll be stronger in all the broken places.
2. Allow yourself to grieve. When you do, you’ll discover what's truly important to you and you’ll be able to find your true purpose in life.  
3. Avoid the bitterness trap. Anger is a very powerful emotion. It can keep you locked up for a very long time. Let it go because it won’t let you go.   
4. Find the good in everyday. You’ll improve because of your actions, not just your feelings.
5. Stimulate the release of your endorphins with movement. A gym membership is a nice Valentine’s Day gift to yourself.
6. Vow to love again. If revenge is what you want, the best kind is to live a good life.

© Dr. Rachell N. Anderson, Psy.D.  2/13/2015

Improve Your Life With Gratitude
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks for all we’ve been given-our families, our health, the turkey and all the fixing and, the almighty king of them all-football. Many people who engage in these activities report they feel better about their lives for days following the celebrations. So November is a good time to review the mental health benefits of gratitude — and to consider some advice about how to cultivate this state of mind throughout the year.
    The Thanksgiving holiday began when the colonists gave thanks to show gratitude for their survival in America and for a good harvest. The word gratitude means grace, graciousness, or gratefulness. Gratitude is a thankful appreciation for what we  receive, whether tangible or intangible. With gratitude, people acknowledge the goodness in their lives and realize that the source of that goodness lies at least partially outside themselves. Gratitude helps people refocus on what they have instead of what they lack.
    Psychological research has shown that more doesn’t make people happier. Dr. Edward Diener, a psychology professor at the University of Illinois found that a high percentage of affluent people report low levels of life satisfaction as compared to many who have little. Further, he found that your attitude plays a large role in determining whether you can feel grateful in the face of life’s challenges.
    Dr. Robert Emmons from the University of California, Davis found it is not what you have but how you feel about it that makes the difference. His research has found that those who adopt an attitude of gratitude as a permanent state of mind experience many health benefits including: feeling happier, having more energy, are healthier, are more resilient, have better relationships and, have a brighter view of the future.
    Emmons suggests that from an evolutionary perspective, feelings of gratitude probably helped bind communities. When people appreciate the goodness that they've received, they feel compelled to give back. And this mental state grows stronger with use and practice. People can't help but pay gratitude forward. When appreciation is expressed, it triggers a biological response in the recipient's brain, including a surge of the feel-good chemical, dopamine.
    It turns out, the same practice helps make our brains and bodies healthier. When we notice kindness and other gifts from which we've benefitted, our brains become wired to seek out the positives in any situation. As a result, we're better at bouncing back from loss and trauma. According to Emmons, "A grateful stance toward life is relatively immune to misfortune," We see the blessings, not just the curses.
    An study reported in 2012 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology of more than 300 couple found that those who felt appreciated by their partners were more likely to appreciate their partners in return and the relationship improved, compared with couples who didn't feel appreciated by each other. In Marriage Therapy, couples are often encouraged to find and express at least 3 things done by their spouses in any given day and replace that with criticism. So when you express gratitude toward a spouse, a colleague, or a friend, he or she feels grateful in return, and the back-and-forth continues. Christine Carter, a sociologist at the Greater Good Science Center, at the University of California, Berkeley, notes that gratitude can rewire our brains to appreciate the things in our relationships that are going well. She says. “You can't be grateful and resentful at the same time.”
    These findings suggest that grateful people are more likely to take better care of themselves and their relationships and live happier, more productive lives.
       What’s a Person To Do?
1. Be mindful of what you have and have had and give thanks for it whether it from the past or present.
2. Keep a Gratitude Journal. Make a note of at least 5 things for which you’re grateful each day.
3. Reframe situations as positive rather than negative.
4. Maintain a hopeful and optimistic attitude.
5. Vow not to take your good fortune for granted.
     November is a good time to be grateful. However it’s good to count your blessings everyday. We all can to this.

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.  here to edit.

We have all seen a tiny tyke espouse words or behaviors that was so adult-like we took notice. If the words or gestures were positive, we were unperturbed. However, if negative or disruptive, we wondered (almost out loud) where dit that come from? I’m reminded of what psychologists have known for years-children do as parents do, not as they say. Many parents model behaviors unconsciously and are unaware that young eyes are watching. Some children who demonstrate respectful behavior may be born that way but the majority have to be taught. This teaching begins early in life by what parents model.Dr. Bruno Bettelheim observed, “While most parents are ready to teach their children discipline and know that they are the ones to do so, they are less ready to accept the idea that they teach only by example.” Every word or deed in which parents engage should be worthy of imitating because their children are watching.
     Parents who are kind, open, honest, consistent, and generous model these positive behaviors for their children to learn. Using polite language to make requests or to give directions is also a good way to model respectful behavior. This positive modeling has profound impact on their childen's personalities.
    Children who demonstrate respect for themselves and others show an image to the world that is likely to reflect back a positive image in return. This has a positive impact on children's personalities. Thus, when they start out in their lives with more positive reflections from society they are likely to get along better in their lives.
     Too, when parents favorite cuss words and negative, hostile attitudes towards others appear in children’s words and gestures, they should serve as a reminder for parents to watch out because their children are learning behaviors and attitudes that may cause them difficulties in the future. One patient remembered during therapy how as a young boy while driving with his family in their new SUV, his father reached up and quickly locked the doors at the sight of a black, homeless-looking man walking on the city street. Although that was not his reason for seeking therapy, he wondered why he himself, does the same thing.   
    Being a positive role model for good behavior is far more powerful than specific training or disciplinary measures in raising children. When parents practice what they preach and show kindness, respect and generosity toward themselves and others, they ultimately teach their children that this is acceptable behavior. It is clear, how we are as individuals shine a light on our families, our communities and our nation. Parents’ model is unending.   
   But parenting is not an easy task. As parents, we must give directions and correct our children. We are all likely to parent our children in much the same way our parents parented us. And no parent is perfect. There are times when parents lose it, get out of control and are angry because life is hard on us all. We have all suffered anger, rejection, hostility, and drama in our lives. If we have retained those painful feelings, thoughts, and attitudes as our guide book for parenting, we may take the worst of what our parents had to offer and pass that on to future generations.
    Modeling behaviors of respect for children means behaving in  ways you expect your children to behave. When children hear parents use polite language, see them show respect for those who are different or in need, and are themselves addressed using kind words, they are more likely to exhibit those behaviors. As parents, our actions speak louder than our words.
What’s A Parent To Do?
 1. According to the Technical Assistance Alliance for Parent Centers and the Families and Advocates Partnership for Education, “Adults, however, have the ability to change behavior by reteaching themselves and then modeling different behaviors.”
2. Select words that respect your child's feelings and bolster his or her self-esteem. When you do that, you are modeling respect.    
3. Listen, set rules, and be consistent. When you must correct an action or deny a request, you must listen to your child and if the action or request is out of bounds of your family’s rules or routines, you may respectfully deny the request and remain firm with your decision. If you have common-sense rules set up ahead of time, you can respond pro-actively.
4.Offer warmth, affection, love, and sensitive guidance. All are  necessary for children's well-being. And necessary for raising kinder, happier people.

    Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.    

Have you ever wondered why people dress themselves and their children up in costumes and go out asking their neighbors for candy and treats? In today’s world, it’s thought of as a family friendly fun holiday with people dressed up like witches, ghosts, monsters, rock stars and all too often, princess and gangsters. However, Halloween has deep roots that hints to how it rolls today. Too, the costumes that are chosen carry massages that few of us consider.
    Although so much of history is rewritten and disputed, the best version of the holiday’s origin shows it as having grown out of a pagan ritual. Halloween became a part of Ancient Celtic culture where tribes would light bonfires and wear masks to ward off evil spirits. They believed that on October 31st, the line between the living and the dead became blurred and by wearing a mask thereby becoming anonymous they would protect themselves from the evil spirits who were roaming around. By the 8th century the day was deified by Pope Gregory III to honor the various Catholic saints and is still observed today as All Saints’ Day or All Hallow’s Eve. That name evolved in America as Halloween with folks running around in costumes and saying “Trick of Treat.” They expect a treat but if they don’t get the treat, they are likely to cover the house with toilet paper or otherwise, do some other mischief to persons or property. Too, law enforcement personnel know that in offense, crimes such as poisoning candy, inserting razor blades in treats and candy snatching, have been committed on Halloween by otherwise law abiding citizens. Have you ever what makes this so?
    Halloween means costumes and crowds. When people are dressed up in costumes and roam the streets in large groups just like in the days of its history, their identity is altered and noone knows who they are. This can result in antisocial behaviors. The larger the crowd, the greater the mayhem.
    Also, in Psychology, we know that everything has meaning. Have you ever wondered what the costumes chosen reveals about the people underneath? The research shows that the costumes reveal your mental state, your interests, your mental assets or your deepest longings. Choosing and crafting a costume takes imagination and creativity. In times past, I have crafted a variety of costumes for myself. A Native American Maiden, a Hershey’s Milk Chocolate bar, and a bunch of grapes, a witch, all come to mind. Upon reflection, I get it. I recognize the developmental trends they represent.
    Costumes are communication devices. They tell others something about you that on the surface, you may not have communicated. What’s on the surface, covers what’s underneath. According to Diane Roberts, “This isn't simple make-believe. The costume gives people power. I can put on my witch costume, heft up my power and no one can tell me what to do. Nobody tells Spider-Man, Sponger Bob or Minnie Mouse what time to go to bed or when to do homework. On Halloween, all the doors are open. The M&Ms, the Butterfingers, the Reese's Pieces, the full-size Snickers bars will be surrendered at lease for this one day. It's the same with grown people. They, too, want unaccustomed importance, beauty and power. On Halloween they can cast off that old, responsible, sensible, careful thinking self and become  Batman, a vampire, a pirate, a super hero or a dirty traffic cop.         Offensive costumes have become a part of the Halloween repertoire. Many people are choosing costumes such as domestic abuse victims, Ku Klux Klan members and the late Trayvon Martin. Author and advice columnist April Masini of AskApril.com says not having experienced specific pain can lead people to make their Halloween choices. Conversely, the comfort of familiarity can divide your boundaries. "It's like making bad jokes because you're either unfamiliar with the hurt that someone who's the butt of the joke may feel, or else because you come from a background that is abusive, and you're insensitive to the concerns of others and pass it forward because it’s normal to you."
    These days, we think of Halloween as fun and family friendly. It takes all of us to keep it that way.    
What’s a person to Do?
1. Consider the message you’re giving your children as you help them chose a costume. Make sure it’s what you mean to convey.
2. Go with your children (even the older ones) There is less mayhem when adults are present.
3. Evaluate your words, actions and choices. To paraphrase Jeff Goldblum's character in Jurassic Park, “Just because someone can do something doesn't mean they should."
4. Have a Happy Halloween
    
    
Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.

Alfred Lord Tennyson was quoted as saying “Hope smiles on the threshold of the year to come, whispering that it will be happier.” These days, that hope is often expressed by making New Year’s Resolutions.
    As the new year approaches people are looking for ways to improve themselves and their lives. Some want to lose weight, save money, and start or stop doing this or that thing. Eat right. Go to the gym. Quit smoking. Do better at work. These are the easy ones. The problem is, most resolutions are broken even more quickly than they are made. Life happens and old habits are hard to break. The notion that you have to wait to improve something or to look outward to make changes waters down our resolve and makes it lose it’s efficacy.
    People look out on the world and want improve the globe. We can get so caught up in looking outward we forget there are things we can do every day, at home, that will have the most positive impact.
    If you really want a better world, start at home with your family and close relationships. All relationships — especially the ones near and dear to you — take work. It’s easy to be distant, grouchy, snarky, bitchy and uncompromising at home and expect everything will be okay. Not so. It makes everything in your world worse. You can easily change that behavior. According to Christina Steinorth, MFT, a psychotherapist and author of Cue Cards for Life, “Relationships don’t magically take care of themselves — as with most living organisms, they need nurturing.” Relationships blossom when you tend to them.
    One of the best things you can do easily and every day is to treat others how you want to be treated. We all want to be listened to, understood and cared for.
    Start by changing your attitude from negative to positive and be mindful with whom you spend your time. Negativity is infectious and people like to complain about how hard life is. But when we surround ourselves with people who are negative and mean, we are likely to become negative and pessimistic, making it much harder to get through life’s difficulties. Separating ourselves from complainers is as important as resisting our own urge to complain.
    It’s easy to start arguments with people we love. They give us so much material with which to work. Whether it’s about what movie to watch, what to have for dinner, or who is going to walk the dog; small disagreements can quickly escalate into a full-scale war. If we work to find the upside in tough situations, and work hard to fix problems, we can positively impact our relationships.
What’s a Person To Do?
1. Listen. There’s a difference between hearing and truly listening. Too often, when people speak, we get busy constructing our response. We refute, discount, and inject our beliefs and opinion into every situation. Listening requires making eye contact, observing the person’s body language, hearing the words and the feelings that underlie those words.
2. Act lovingly even when it’s hard. People may forget what you say but will remember how you make them feel. Be thoughtful and compassionate.
3. One of the best things you can do is to listen to another person and believe they mean exactly what they say. Avoid second-guessing. Give the person your undivided attention even if they seem not to make sense to you. Give advice only when you’re asked.
4. Empathize. Instead of correcting the person’s perception or arguing, get out of yourself and ask yourself what must it be like if you were having the same concerns. Psychologists call this “Walking in the person’s shoes and feeling the blisters.”
4. Steinorth says, “Fight fair. It’s not conflicts that cause problems but how you approach them.” Focus on the issue not the person. Avoid bad mouthing the person. Address one issue at a time and move on to the next. Avoid bringing in stuff from old arguments. That will derail the process.
5. It’s takes two. Be prepared to bend. Seek compromise if you can’t find resolution. Sometimes bending is more important than standing your ground. All relationships require compromise.
6. Tend to your relationship’s needs. “If you value your relationship, give it what it needs—be it time, compassion or love.”
7. Become aware of what you giving to and taking from the relationship. That doesn’t mean keeping score.
8. Be good company-someone others want to be around. If you commonly nag, complain and dish out negativity, your relationships will suffer.
    Let hope smile on your new year. Resolve to listen, be kind, compassionate, good company and willing to bend. When you’re able to do these things, many areas of your world will improve.

© Dr. Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D. January 3, 2016

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist in 3 states, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for 40 years. She now lives and writes in Tunica. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.