Raising Polite Children in A Rude World
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson

    In my day, Emily Post was the guru on manners and etiquette. But we didn’t need Emily to teach us how to be polite toward others. We learned it at home from our parents. The same messages were reinforced at school. The adults somehow knew that we weren’t born knowing how to behave politely so it was their jobs to teach us.
    Manners are important because they help children to get-along better in the world and become successful with their lives. According to Sheryl Eberly, mother of three and author of 365 Manners Kids Should Know, “Polite behavior will help your child's social development. Kids who aren't taught social graces from an early age are at a distinct disadvantage. An ill-mannered child is a turn-off to adults and kids alike.”  Even children don't enjoy the company of a child who doesn't know how to share or take turns.
    According to Emily Post, "Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others.” Awareness is the important word here. By the time children are 18 months of age, they have begun to notice that other people have feelings just as they do and that’s a good time to begin teaching them how to be courteous, polite and friendly. When parents start early, manners become a part of the child’s personality which is then done automatically, whether they are at home or in public. It’s like any skill that has to be learned and practiced. Learning manners is a lifelong process and it’s okay to take it slowly teaching a few skills at a time.
    So, here’s the charge for parents.
1. By age 2, children need to be able to return a "hello" when another person speaks to them. They should be able to say please,  thank you and no thank you. Begin to understand the concept of sharing and turn-taking -though they won't necessarily like it.   2. By age 3, children need to be able to eat with a spoon and fork, stay seated at the table, and wipe their mouths with a napkin.
4. By age 4, children should be able to do as they are told, wait their turn, rather than interrupt others in conversations  (unless it’s an emergency). Also they should be able to greet a known visitor with a polite hello.
5. By age 5, children should be able to hold the door for a person coming in behind them, pause before walking in front of an older person and apologize if they forget to do so.  
By age 6, Children should know not to take things that belong to others and refrain from fighting back when offended.
    Children behave best when they are given limits. In fact, they really need limits. Rules provide the predictability and stability kids need to help them feel secure and to make sense of things in this wild and crazy world.
Learning manners is a lifelong education. Eberly suggests taking it slow by “Introducing one new social skill a month  and rewarding the child with recognition when he or she does the skill being taught.
    These seem like tall orders for some parents but believe me, it’s easier and more productive to teach appropriate behavior than it is to constantly correct unacceptable behavior.
    Also, parents’ behaviors count. Make sure you are consistent. Acquiring good manners takes lots of practice and reinforcement, so make sure that you stick with it. The moment you let one thing slide, the child gets the message that it’s not important and will constantly test the limits. Too, make sure you model what you teach. That means when you make a request, you do it with a please and a thank you.
What’s A Person To Do?
1. Remember, you can’t do a don’t. So remember to say what behavior you want to see rather than what you don’t want. Sit here quietly rather than “Don’t run and shout.”
2. Model the behavior you want to see. Say please and thank you to them and to others in your circle.
3. Use social strokes to reinforce their use of the manners you are teaching. These include, smiles, pats on the back, a wink, thumbs-up, and words like “you did a good job of not hitting when Johnny snatched your Tinker Toy.
4. Develop a signal your child can use to indicate that he needs you when you’re busy with other things. Raising his index finger is an example given by Eberly.
5.  Before you go to the grocery store for instance, tell your child what behaviors you expect. Ask him or her to tell you what he or she is to do just as you get there. Compliment the right answer. Prompt him or her if he or she forgets.
6. Explain to the child why the rule is important.  
7. Pick your battles. It’s not worth it to waste time and energy enforcing rules that don’t much matter. Focus on teaching a few important safety and behavior rules. Decide up front what they’ll be. This approach even has long-term benefits, says Darwin Dorr, PhD, professor of psychology at Wichita State University “since research shows that kids who are raised with too many rules are likely to rebel later.”

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a Licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives and writes with The Mississippi Writers Guild in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books she has written.

Give Children The Gift of Love
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    I suspect that most of you would agree that raising a happy, loving children is one of the most important things parents can  do in this life. Yet, when I see how some children are being treated, I worry for the children and the adults they’ll grow up to be.
    Psychologist know that early experiences impact on the structure of the brain, and the kind of adults capacities children will develop. Early childhood development is the key to a full and productive life for a child and to the progress of a nation. Research shows that children who experience extreme stress in their early years are at greater risk for developing a variety of cognitive, behavioral, and emotional difficulties later in life. Early stress can affect brain function, learning, and memory negatively and permanently.
    Young brains develop quickly. By the time children reach age three, their brains are twice as active as those of adults and it is during this time that most learning occurs. Half of a person's intelligence potential is developed by age four and early childhood interventions can have a lasting effect on intellectual capacity, personality, and social behavior.
    Secure relationships with their primary caretakers create a favorable contexts for early development and learning. When children feel secure, when their needs are met, when they are provided with loving care, when caretakers respond to their needs, they learn to trust and are then able to explore their worlds, learn new skills and make wise choices as they grow into strong healthy and adults. In addition, they arephone call of text message that  able to give and receive love in return.
    It takes conscious efforts, day after day to let our children know they are loved. That may seem obvious but we are busy people, we are likely to have jobs, friends and diversions. We’re often glued to our cell phones and willing to check each call or text message that comes through. All these things take your attention away from your child. When your attention is diverted, your children feel discounted and less important. We all know the feeling. We’ve all experienced it. Right?
What’s a Person To Do?
    With help from Amy Peterson, a former high school English teacher who lives with her husband and 4 children in Oregon, here are a few tips.
1. Tell your children you love them often. This sounds obvious. But you can never tell someone you love them too often. All people love to hear that they are important to someone. These words make most of us happy and boosts their self esteem.
2. Really listen to your children. When you’re having a conversation, make eye contact and listen to what your child is telling you. You will make her feel important and loved by focusing on her completely while she is telling you a story or asking for advice. Adults don't have all. When the child is sharing a concern, just listen. There is no need to give solutions or fix the problem. Just let them talk. Most of the time, they work out their own solutions and move on.
3. Be physically and mentally there for your kids as much as possible. Listen and remain engaged. This quiet presence, support and security shows your children you care.
4. Create habits and traditions that encourage family togetherness. Whether it’s making meals together, having that jig saw forever on the table ready to put a new found piece in place of taking family vacations, give them memories they can grow
5. Encourage responsibility. Give them chores, teach them how to do them and trust them to do it right.
6. Nurture their creative spirit. Give them ample opportunities to draw, paint, compose a rhyme, do tricks with the bicycle, make loops with hoops with string and thread, tell jokes and just have silly fun.
7. Say yes more than you say NO. Count how many times you caught your child for doing something right instead of scolded him for doing something wrong. Pat yourself on the back for this insight.
8. Use the power of touch. Hugs, kisses, tickles and cuddles all feel good and lets the child know they are in your thoughts.  
9. Be there for them whether it’s throwing a basketball in the back yard, learning to play an organized sport or learning to be a boy or girl scout. Your presence is needed.     
    Loving children comes naturally to most parents, however, most of us need a reminder now and then. When you give them the gift of love you can them thrive and succeed at doing the things they love. And most of all, they’ll learn to love in return.

© Dr. Rachell N. Anderson, November 24, 2018

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for many years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books she had written.