Discipline or Punishment: To Hit or Not to Hit
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    A little girl about age 4 began a tantrum at the grocery store when her mother refused to buy candy. The man behind me in line declared with conviction, “Boy, if she were mine, I’d tan her little hide right here, right now.” He seemed very satisfied with himself while everyone around looked at him or the girl with a jaundiced eye. Yes, this is a touchy topic.
    So, your child had screwed up, yet again. He or she has done something that is clearly forbidden or failed to do something that was clearly expected. You’re disappointed, frustrated and angry, as only our children can make us and you can see (in your mind’s eye) the sheriff dragging him or her off to jail at some future date. You feel it’s you duty to correct him or her. The only thing you can think of is to “get” him or her.
    But wait, will it be punishment or discipline? Some parents may choose punishment. Other parents will choose discipline. This article will help you to discern the difference between the two.
    Our children can be our greatest source of love and pride and our biggest source of heartache. The closer the relationship, the more betrayed, angry, and frustrated we are likely to feel when our children misbehave. Even the kindest and most well-intentioned parent becomes exasperated at times. Some parents realize that their exasperation is related to their expectations rather than with what the child had done. Those who don’t may believe they have the right to treat the child with utmost disrespect.
What is discipline?
    Discipline means applying appropriate consequences to encourage a child to make better choices in the future. The original use of the word DISCIPLINE referred to instructions given to disciples. Discipline is future focused, points toward future acts, has nothing to do with retribution, or redemption and is designed to teach.
    Discipline holds the child's best interest, not the parent's anger, in the forefront. Discipline is never out of control. While the result of punishment is fear and shame, the result of discipline is security because the child has been given a different way to behave. When you think about this definition, it becomes clear that parents cannot impart discipline or knowledge, if they don’t themselves have either.
What about Punishment?
    Punishment allows parents to discharge their anger and aggression on a smaller, less powerful person. By punishing, parents find relief, are freed of upsetting emotions and assumes that all is well afterwards. How satisfying is that?
    Punishment teaches children that people in power can force others to do their will. And when the child is old enough and able, he or she will likely do the same. Punishment produces some very negative characteristics in children: guilt, shame, bitterness, resentment, regret, self-pity, fear, and more. Because punishment is focussed on the past, children are unable to undo what they've done wrong and make it right nor do they receive instructions for how to behave in the future. Punishment is simply retribution that leads to a lot of negative emotions and injured feelings that last longer than the physical pain.
    How many times have you heard this “My parents whipped me and look at me, I turned out ok”? Too many, I’m afraid. But that doesn’t mean that the punishment wasn’t detrimental. When the punished child reaches adulthood, he or she is likely to have repressed the trauma and remembers only the relief of having the punishment over. When punished, children no longer feels guilty about what they have done or obligated to make it right. They believe they have more than paid for the misbehaviour and develop a desire for revenge which they are likely to inflict on some less powerful person. Parents who were hit as children are likely to do the same to their own children and often to their spouse. Have you ever wondered why there is so much violence and anger in the world? We live what we’ve learned.
So, What’s a parent to do?
    The fundamental issue in raising children is to develop maturity and to create in the child the desire to be a moral, disciplined, and ethical person. Probably the only way for an undisciplined person to learn discipline is by watching and emulating someone who is disciplined. Thus, teaching discipline requires that parents are themselves, disciplined. When they are,  punishment is rarely necessary. Children learn better when they see their parents living by the values they are teaching. Modelling is the best way to teach your children to become better people who respect themselves and others.
    There is little question that when a child has seriously misbehaved, a consequence is needed. Shouting won’t help. It may shock or scare a child into doing what you want, but he or she will be unable to hear the instructions for better behaviour, if they’re presented.  
    It’s better to cool down before you make your move or you’ll end up causing harm. This is how abuse occurs. With firmness and kindness, make sure the child is held accountable and the consequence is directly related to the misbehaviour.
    Punishment makes raising children harder, not easier. Parents lacking patience take heed.
Next Month, I’ll write about alternatives to hitting.
© Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D. 22 January 2013

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a licensed Clinical Psychologist, Professor Emeritus and Author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a private Clinical in Springfield for more that 40 years. She lives in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at www.drrachellanderson.com for more articles.

What Does It Mean To Be Happy?
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson    
    A glance at the self-help section of any bookstore and you’ll find many books that promise to help you find happiness. Maybe that suggests that happiness is a national obsession. But we haven’t always been that way. Two Hundred years ago, books in the United States talked about a happy nation versus a happy person. This shows there’s been a shift in the meaning of happiness for Americans. In many other countries, that shift hasn’t happen. I suggest that what we do is not for ourselves alone, however, what is good for the country is ultimately good for the individual.
     According to David Cameron, a conservative politician, “It's time we admitted that there's more to life than money, and it's time we focused not just on GDP, but on GWB - general well-being. Well-being can't be measured by money or traded in markets. It can't be required by law or delivered by government. It's about the beauty of our surroundings, the quality of our culture, and above all the strength of our relationships. I don’t know if Cameron was thinking about himself or the nation but I believe as Abraham Lincoln was credited with saying "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be."
    The field of Positive Psychology has highlighted the importance of subjective well-being, which is the general sense people have of their good feelings and life satisfaction. Here, happiness doesn’t come as a result of getting something we don’t have, but of deeply appreciating what we have. We all know that happiness is fleeting. You can be happy one minute and unhappy the next. But that’s not to say you are unhappy in general. So happiness is about letting go of unhelpful perceptions and thought patterns. It’s a sense of peace with oneself, with one's connection in the world. This suggests you are relating to other people in a healthy way and finding and pursuing your purpose in life.
    According Art Markman, Ph.D. in his blog Ulterior Motives “A happy person is not a person who’s always in a good situation, but rather a person who always has a good attitude in every situation.” Further, Markman suggest “Allow yourself more moments of awe and wonder and passion and grace. Don’t let anyone’s ignorance, hate, drama or negativity stop you and don’t sweat to small stuff. Live simply. Love generously. Speak truthfully.  Work diligently.” Again, this focus is on what the individual must see, do and be in order to be happy.  
    So stop looking for reasons to be unhappy. Focus on the things you have and the reasons you should be happy. Positivity changes everything.
    When we focus from ourselves to the other, it’s about our relationships. For example: Good relationships help to heal all wounds. With frequent attention and affection our relationships flourish, and we as individuals grow stronger. And lift others up with your kindness. Three things define you: Your patience when you have nothing, your attitude when you have everything, and who you help whenever you’re able.
What’s A Person To Do?
To make these recommendations, I consulted a book called The Four Agreements which contained words of Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882). I paraphrased his words using an active style that’s more prevalent in my day than in his.  
    The purpose of life is not just to be happy, but also to be helpful, to be honorable, to be kind and compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well..)
1. Be Impeccable With Your Words  
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.
2. Take Nothing Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.
3. Ask rather Than Assume
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.
4. Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret. When you improve yourself, you ultimately improve the nation.
    With these things, I bet before long, you’ll find yourself to be a much happier person.

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a native of Tunica, a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for more than years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.

Cuddle Not Coddle
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    The two words, cuddle and coddle differ by only one small vowel but their meaning and application produce polar opposites when raising children.
    To cuddle means to draw and hold close, to embrace affectionately, to interact, to teach and to play. Coddling means to cater to, to treat, to gratify with excessive indulgence, to pamper and to spoil. Believing that children can do no wrong; must not be held responsible for their actions; must not be upset or frustrated; must be free of demands, expectations, or responsibilities; and, given whatever they want are elements of coddling.
    I have never met a parent who said they wanted to raise a brat. I suspect that every parent wants have children who will be an asset to society but may know what to do or not do to get the best results. Research in human behavior may help parents to decide on which side of the pole they want to be.
    Recent research verified the value of parents being close and cuddling with their children. Findings show the positive impact it has on children’s mental and physical health, and on their social and emotional development. Closeness awakens creativity in children. It teaches them to interact appropriately with their peers. It helps them to focus, develop confidence and  physical coordination. It helps them to discover their talents and passion, to communicate their feelings, to make decisions for themselves, and, that helps to prepare them for adulthood.
    But coddling children has an entirely different result. We’ve all seen children who throw fits at home and in public, who are disrespectful to their parents and others in authority, who are lazy an uncooperative and irresponsible and, who expect to be served. We are likely to label those children brats.
    Still, it doesn’t take long for a child, any child, to get into trouble. That’s okay. They are trying to figure out what the world is all about. But when this happens, it’s time for parents to teach. Children must learn that there are consequences for their actions. All children can learn to follow the rules, to be respectful, and to control his or her behavior. And should be taught these things without being treated with disrespect. I call this teaching discipline. All parents have to teach what’s appropriate and what’s not in their homes and in their lives. Every parent needs to learn how to discipline well.
    Three other things that also need to be taught.
So, What Are Parents To Do?
    1. Teach children responsibility by giving them responsibilities. Children who are taught to work gain respect for what it takes to get things done, to keep things in order, and in repair. By doing chores and helping out with washing clothes, and dishes, cutting grass, picking up and taking out trash, washing windows etc. they learn to do these things well. These are valuable skills that will be useful later in their lives and will make them more productive adults.
    2. Teach children to use time wisely. Children (and also adults) are likely to get into trouble when they have too much unstructured time on their hands and no goals or plans to stretch themselves. When kids are left to just “hangout” boredom is likely to set in. When children are  bored they are likely to make poor decision to become un-bored. Parents don’t need to over-book every hour of their children’s lives bu, they can help them to structure their time. Sports, activities and chores are a few things to help give kids something to fill their time.
    3. Too much free flowing, unearned money is another way to coddle and create a entitled, bratty child. I’m amazed that too many parents,(even those who can little afford to) blindly hand out money to kids who’ve done nothing but ask for it. It is better to give jobs rather than money. You can pay them for the work they do. Get creative. Even a two year old child can do work. Just teach him or her how to do it and you’ll be amazed at how proud he or she will be when the job is done. He or she will learn that his of her muscles are needed to help the family and later the community, to make both better places for all who live there.  
    So, which will it be, cuddle or coddle? Most young parents have a lot to learn about how to nurture their children with the right mix that will help them grow into resilient and caring adults. With consistency in discipline, responsibility, time management and handing out jobs rather than money, parents can guide their kids to be helpful, self sufficient, responsible and acquire a great deal of skills along the way.  

© Dr. Rachell N. Anderson, Psy.D. June 22, 2014

    Dr. Rachell Anderson is a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. A native Tunican, she taught at the University of Illinois and ran a private Clinical in Springfield, Illinois for more than 40 years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.

Why Parents Must Go Back To (Their Children’s) School
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson

    Certain children get better grades, higher test scores, and have higher graduation rates. Also, these same children have better school attendance; are more motivated; feel better about themselves’ have less trouble at school with fewer suspension; less violent behavior and, less drug use. They get promoted, earn credits, adapt well to school, and go on to college or technical school at a higher rate.
    Which group of kids are these? you ask. It could be yours.
These are kids whose parents are involved in their education. Lack of parents’ involvement is the biggest problem facing public schools today. You can make many kinds of excuses as to why you’re not doing your part; such as “I don’t have time to be running up to that School.” or “Teachers don't want parents interfering with their classes.” or “My kids don’t want me  there.” But that’s not good enough. Excuses work only for those who give them. Your child’s future must take precedence over inconveniences.    
    I’m sure you’re heard about the number of failing schools in Mississippi. Next fall, thirty or more Mississippi schools could see their Teachers, Principle, Janitors and Cooks, fired because they have gotten an F rating for a third year in a row. Though some schools are exempt from this F status, all schools need Parents’ involvement to set challenging academic standards to make education better here and in the state.
    It’s true, most parents don’t know how to help their children with their education. Some had so many difficulties with their own schooling, they don’t dare to voluntarily darken the door of a school house. Still, they conscientiously send their children off to school every day and expect them to do well without their regular input.
    Most students want their parents to be more knowledgeable, more participatory and willing to take active roles in making a connection between home and school. And, research shows that the more parents participate in their children’s education; in a sustained way, at every level, the better their children do; and parents get better and more effective at it as they go along.
    Parents may work with the school as volunteers, advocates, and boosters. They may participate in decision-making, fund raising, in field trips, and special projects. When parents come to school regularly, it reinforces to the child that school and home are connected and that school is an important part of the family's life.
    However, research studies found that the most effective forms of parent involvement are those which engage parents in working directly with their children on learning activities at home. For example, when schools encourage children to practice reading at home with parents, those children make significant gains in reading compared to those who only practice at school. Parents who have books available, who read to their children, limit TV watching, and provide stimulating experiences help their children to learn better.
    When parents are involved in their children’s education they have the opportunity to interact with teachers, administrators, and other parents. They can learn first-hand about the daily activities and the social culture of the school, both help them understand what their child's life is like. Parents' active involvement with their child's education at home and in school brings great rewards and can have a significant impact on their children's lives now and in the future.   
What’s a parent to Do?
1.  Be kind to your children. This will help to maintain a warm and supportive home.
2. Provide time and a quiet place to study, assign responsibility for household chores, be firm about bedtime, and have dinner together as a family.
3. Encourage reading, writing, and discussions among family members. That promotes sharing and critical thinking skills.
4. Let your kids catch you reading.  
5. Set limits on screen time including TV, smart phones and video games; check-up on children when you’re not home; arrange for after-school activities and supervised care.
6. Show interest in children's progress at school. Help with homework. Discuss the value of a good education, and stay in touch with teachers and school staff.
7. Recognize and encourage your children’s talents, and tout them to friends and family.
8. Regularly interact with school personnel. They’ll keep you in the know and you’ll all learn from each other and make your child a better, more responsible and successful student.   

Dr. Rachell Anderson is a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emerita and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a Private Clinical Practice in Springfield, Illinois for more than 40 years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.