That’s What Friends Are For: When Loved ones Have Cancer
By Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
For Aristotle “Friendship was what made all other things in life worth having”. (It is my hope that your family members and are also your friends)
According to Oprah,
“Friends are people who root for you, no matter what. You tell them your deepest, darkest secrets, and instead of heading for the door, they stick around and your bond with them grows stronger.”
In one of her gold plated records, Dionne Warwick sang
“Keep smiling', keep shining'
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for”
In one of Dr. Scott’s speeches, he was quoted as saying “We don’t have to do this alone. he proposes, “Faith, Movement, Medical, Nutrition; and giving and receiving support through relationships as the Church Health Center’s model to healthy living
As a Clinical Psychologist, the emotional life; understanding feelings, managing stress in relationships with self, friends, family, and the community especially during difficult times are my areas of expertise. That’s what I’ll talk about today.
Throughout history, people have found that their lives are better, easier, and more rewarding if they live within groups such as families, tribes and communities. The ways they are related, and the nature of their obligations to each other vary greatly through history, and across different cultures, but giving and receiving support through relationships have stood the test of time.
We need each other.
Trained in the Adlerian Psychology tradition, I came to understand that people's major needs are to be connected and to count, to feel like we belong and are significant. We need to fit in and to stand out regardless of the burdens they bear.
Much of who we are comes from the roles we fulfill as parents, spouse, siblings, workers and friends.
According to (Cohen, 2004) Social support refers to the exchange of psychological and material resources between us and our social network, with the intention of enhancing an individual’s ability to cope with stress.
Social support can promote positive psychological states, such as positive affect and self-esteem, which are thought to induce health-promoting physiological responses in our neuroendocrine and immune systems(Cohen, 1988, 2004; Uchino, 2006).
Social support can influence health by eliminating the effects of stressful experiences, promote less-threatening interpretations of negative events, and bolster effective coping strategies (Cohen, 2004; Bass, McClendon, Brenna, & McCarthy, 1998).
Illness can interfere with these valuable roles we occupy and we become afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, so, too often, we do nothing. Sometimes the best help you can give a person with cancer is to reassure them they are loved, valued and, sick or not, we need them.
SO, what’s a friend to do?
Talking is the best method of communication we have. Simply acknowledging and talking about distress can help to relieve it. Talk openly and honestly. Let the person indicate when and where they want to talk and what they want to talk about. Follow your friend’s lead.
Listening may be more important than speaking. You don’t need to have all the answers; just listening to questions can help. Be a sensitive, compassionate and empathic listener.
Allow silence. People often feel uncomfortable if there's a lull in the conversation. Quiet is better than empty words, and sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all than to say something potentially insensitive. Sharing silence can be very comforting. Your presence shows you care.
While I was writing this I remembered an album our family often listened and danced to. The record was [Free to Be You and Me] The ARTIST: Shel Silverstein, The song is called TITLE:
Helping
Agatha Fry, she made a pie
And Christopher John helped bake it
Christopher John, he mowed the lawn
And Agatha Fry helped rake it
Now, Zachary Zugg took out the rug
And Jennifer Joy helped shake it
Then Jennifer Joy, she made a toy
And Zachary Zugg helped break it
And some kind of help is the kind of help
That helping's all about
And some kind of help is the kind of help
We all can do without
Remember, ill people, have already received and felt the awful news, so avoid feeling bad for them. These negative expectations can act to increase the difficulty of their battle. Come with a positive attitude and shift your assumptions from what is to what could be.
If a loved one has cancer, most likely you are eager to do something for them to bring them some happiness. Although flowers and cards are always nice, but, giving a helping hand with everyday activities are most helpful.
Ask the person first in order to make sure your good intentions will be welcomed, but be prepared to do something.
Wash the dishes
Take out the trash
Sweep the floor
Give a back rub or a foot massage
Bring in the mail
Mow the lawn
Wash and fold some clothes,
My Mother’s favorite thing is to have someone comb her hair.
Be helpful but don’t take over.
Also, understand that needs change. Some people might be less willing to accept concrete help than others. If you have offered and have been refused, don't take offense. It’s not about you.
Although people need to talk about what they are going through, they are still interested in what’s going on in the outside world. Bring newsy items to share. There may be times when he/she doesn’t want to talk at all and simply want to be alone. Respect that. It’s not about you.
Continue to talk to your friend as the person he or she was before the cancer diagnosis. We’re all more than our symptoms and our diagnoses and life doesn’t disappear just because cancer appears. Focus on the person not on the diagnosis.
In the tradition of David Letterman,
I went on-line and found a list of 10 No Nos, things not to say to your friend who has cancer.
1 "I feel so sorry for you"
2 "If anyone can beat this, it's you"
3 "You're looking well"
4 "You're looking terrible"
5 "Let me know the results"
6 "Whatever I can do to help"
7 "Oh, no, your worries are unfounded"
8. "What does chemotherapy [for example] feel like?"
9 "I really must see you"
10 "I'm so terribly upset about your condition"
It’s not about you.
Make sure to keep in touch. Let your friend know when you will be calling, and let your friend know that it is okay to not answer the phone.
When you make a commitment to help, do it. For example, if you offer to bring a meal or fix a faucet on a specific day, do it.
This is about you.
As you dress to visit your friend who is ill, remember to do as Dr. Scott suggest:
“Put on Compassion
Put on Kindness
Put on Humility
Put on Gentleness
Put on Patience
Put on Forgiveness; and
Put on Love.”
Take the advise of Aristotle, Oprah, Dionne Warwick, Dr. Scott and me..
Let them know They don’t have to do this alone.
Tell them, “You can always count on me, For Sure.”
That’s what’s friends are for. Thank You
© Dr. Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D October 22, 2012
By Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
For Aristotle “Friendship was what made all other things in life worth having”. (It is my hope that your family members and are also your friends)
According to Oprah,
“Friends are people who root for you, no matter what. You tell them your deepest, darkest secrets, and instead of heading for the door, they stick around and your bond with them grows stronger.”
In one of her gold plated records, Dionne Warwick sang
“Keep smiling', keep shining'
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for”
In one of Dr. Scott’s speeches, he was quoted as saying “We don’t have to do this alone. he proposes, “Faith, Movement, Medical, Nutrition; and giving and receiving support through relationships as the Church Health Center’s model to healthy living
As a Clinical Psychologist, the emotional life; understanding feelings, managing stress in relationships with self, friends, family, and the community especially during difficult times are my areas of expertise. That’s what I’ll talk about today.
Throughout history, people have found that their lives are better, easier, and more rewarding if they live within groups such as families, tribes and communities. The ways they are related, and the nature of their obligations to each other vary greatly through history, and across different cultures, but giving and receiving support through relationships have stood the test of time.
We need each other.
Trained in the Adlerian Psychology tradition, I came to understand that people's major needs are to be connected and to count, to feel like we belong and are significant. We need to fit in and to stand out regardless of the burdens they bear.
Much of who we are comes from the roles we fulfill as parents, spouse, siblings, workers and friends.
According to (Cohen, 2004) Social support refers to the exchange of psychological and material resources between us and our social network, with the intention of enhancing an individual’s ability to cope with stress.
Social support can promote positive psychological states, such as positive affect and self-esteem, which are thought to induce health-promoting physiological responses in our neuroendocrine and immune systems(Cohen, 1988, 2004; Uchino, 2006).
Social support can influence health by eliminating the effects of stressful experiences, promote less-threatening interpretations of negative events, and bolster effective coping strategies (Cohen, 2004; Bass, McClendon, Brenna, & McCarthy, 1998).
Illness can interfere with these valuable roles we occupy and we become afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, so, too often, we do nothing. Sometimes the best help you can give a person with cancer is to reassure them they are loved, valued and, sick or not, we need them.
SO, what’s a friend to do?
Talking is the best method of communication we have. Simply acknowledging and talking about distress can help to relieve it. Talk openly and honestly. Let the person indicate when and where they want to talk and what they want to talk about. Follow your friend’s lead.
Listening may be more important than speaking. You don’t need to have all the answers; just listening to questions can help. Be a sensitive, compassionate and empathic listener.
Allow silence. People often feel uncomfortable if there's a lull in the conversation. Quiet is better than empty words, and sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all than to say something potentially insensitive. Sharing silence can be very comforting. Your presence shows you care.
While I was writing this I remembered an album our family often listened and danced to. The record was [Free to Be You and Me] The ARTIST: Shel Silverstein, The song is called TITLE:
Helping
Agatha Fry, she made a pie
And Christopher John helped bake it
Christopher John, he mowed the lawn
And Agatha Fry helped rake it
Now, Zachary Zugg took out the rug
And Jennifer Joy helped shake it
Then Jennifer Joy, she made a toy
And Zachary Zugg helped break it
And some kind of help is the kind of help
That helping's all about
And some kind of help is the kind of help
We all can do without
Remember, ill people, have already received and felt the awful news, so avoid feeling bad for them. These negative expectations can act to increase the difficulty of their battle. Come with a positive attitude and shift your assumptions from what is to what could be.
If a loved one has cancer, most likely you are eager to do something for them to bring them some happiness. Although flowers and cards are always nice, but, giving a helping hand with everyday activities are most helpful.
Ask the person first in order to make sure your good intentions will be welcomed, but be prepared to do something.
Wash the dishes
Take out the trash
Sweep the floor
Give a back rub or a foot massage
Bring in the mail
Mow the lawn
Wash and fold some clothes,
My Mother’s favorite thing is to have someone comb her hair.
Be helpful but don’t take over.
Also, understand that needs change. Some people might be less willing to accept concrete help than others. If you have offered and have been refused, don't take offense. It’s not about you.
Although people need to talk about what they are going through, they are still interested in what’s going on in the outside world. Bring newsy items to share. There may be times when he/she doesn’t want to talk at all and simply want to be alone. Respect that. It’s not about you.
Continue to talk to your friend as the person he or she was before the cancer diagnosis. We’re all more than our symptoms and our diagnoses and life doesn’t disappear just because cancer appears. Focus on the person not on the diagnosis.
In the tradition of David Letterman,
I went on-line and found a list of 10 No Nos, things not to say to your friend who has cancer.
1 "I feel so sorry for you"
2 "If anyone can beat this, it's you"
3 "You're looking well"
4 "You're looking terrible"
5 "Let me know the results"
6 "Whatever I can do to help"
7 "Oh, no, your worries are unfounded"
8. "What does chemotherapy [for example] feel like?"
9 "I really must see you"
10 "I'm so terribly upset about your condition"
It’s not about you.
Make sure to keep in touch. Let your friend know when you will be calling, and let your friend know that it is okay to not answer the phone.
When you make a commitment to help, do it. For example, if you offer to bring a meal or fix a faucet on a specific day, do it.
This is about you.
As you dress to visit your friend who is ill, remember to do as Dr. Scott suggest:
“Put on Compassion
Put on Kindness
Put on Humility
Put on Gentleness
Put on Patience
Put on Forgiveness; and
Put on Love.”
Take the advise of Aristotle, Oprah, Dionne Warwick, Dr. Scott and me..
Let them know They don’t have to do this alone.
Tell them, “You can always count on me, For Sure.”
That’s what’s friends are for. Thank You
© Dr. Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D October 22, 2012
