The Wacky Road To Success

Making Dreams Reality

06/28/2013

Making Dreams Reality: The Wacky Road to Success
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson

IF by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when everyone doubts you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, and not deal in lies,
Or, being hated, and not give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by villains to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";
 
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If everyone counts with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be  WOMEN
And You’ll be Men; my daughters and my sons !


I hope Rudyard Kipling doesn’t turn over in his grave because of my editing of his poem “IF” or because of my Mother, Emma Louise Williams who recited it to me at least once a week from the beginning of my memory. Throughout the years, when life got down and dirty, I could hear her warm southern drawl whispering in my dreams “Hold on, Just Hold on”. 

    I’d like to thank the board of FC-Cot for inviting me to do this Keynote address; and for being here for the past 30 years. I applaud the people who had the vision and compassion to reach back and help young people from Tunica County to have hope for a good education. Their vision has been laced with cold, hard, cash and scholarships. What a wonderful was to say to a young person, I believe in you and I’m counting on you to do your best. FC-COT has been the real foot soldiers in the war on poverty in Tunica County.
    Without that academic scholarship from Philander Smith College, I wouldn’t be where I am today. It gave me hope and direction. It told me someone cared. It also kept my feet to the fire because I had to maintain a B average to keep going.
I’d also like to thank Helen Tatum Wells for those kind words of introduction and for all of you who are willing to listen. 
    But you didn’t ask me to Keynote this 30th National Convention just to fill the time. In preparing for the speech, I wondered what I could say that would be remembered, that would encourage students to go to school and inspire all of you to attend to your own lives and to give more, (money, time, and kind words of encouragement) for our young people of Tunica County.

    So, What is the job of a keynote speaker?

    I see my job as akin to what ministers seek to do every  Sunday from pulpits across America- to comfort the afflicted and to afflict the comfortable and to encourage all of you to open your hearts and wallets to share the vision of FC-COT.  And to do it in less than 25 minutes.
    This was a hard speech to prepare after just one year into  my retirement as a University Professor and Clinical Psychologist and the move back to Tunica County. My life is so different here. I wondered what I could say that would interest you.

    I thought I might tell you that

        For the past 40 years, I have been paid to have what, for me, is a dream job. I have been paid to read, write, think, research, teach, philosophi and to speculate about the meaning of things. Paid to figure things out, to persuade, and to share my impressions with others.  I’ve been paid to travel to interesting places, to talk with people who are the most learned minds in Psychology and sit  with people just like you, me, and the young people we’re honoring with scholarships; and help them to figure out how to get along better with themselves and other people.
 Then I told myself, They don’t want to hear that.
I thought I might tell you that
    I’ve had to become honest, open to learn, willing to accept criticism, and a willing to change. In addition, I’ve had to learn to commit myself to the job at hand with professionalism and collegiality. (collegiality is a code word used when you’re able to speak quietly and respectfully to someone you know to be conniving, back stabbing, mean spirited, trying to discredit you, and take your job.

Then I told myself, They don’t want to hear that.

Then, I thought I could tell you that:
I also have spent a lot of time with my head in books in libraries (not liberry) rather than my feet on a dance floor. In airplanes rather in canoes and my face in front of a crowd of people who were prepared to hang on every word or to pick me apart for every word. Don’t get me wrong. I did a fair amount of dancing and canoeing.
My sons tell me “Mom, that’s Not bad for a little ole, country girl from Tunica,  Mississippi. Aye?”

Then I told myself, They don’t want to hear that.

Then, I thought I might tell you that:
    The road to success has not been easy: Not for me, and not for most people who’ve become successful. Famous, people you know, have stumbled, fell and failed; but to be called successful, they had to begin again, again, and sometimes again. For Example

Bill Cosby quit school in the tenth grade and joined the U.S. Navy. He completed school through a correspondence course. He enrolled at the Temple University on an athletic scholarship to become an athletics teacher. But he had to work too. He took a job as a bartender. He used humor to entertain his customers and I imagine to get bigger tips. His career as a comedian began there.
Oprah Winfrey came from what in known as a Broken Home.  Grew up in her Grandmother’s care on a farm in Mississippi. Even though she was abused, molested, she was adjudicated as delinquent and sent to a juvenile detention home. But luckily for Oprah, all the beds in the facility were full so she was sent to Nashville to live with her father Vernon. Vernon made her study. He required her to read a book a week and to write a book report. My guess is-Vernon’s voice continues to intrude and whisper in her ear with each accomplishment

Denzel Washington
    Denzel’s parents were going through a messy divorce. The Boy’s and girl’s club was his salvation. He went to college to play basketball But he bounced from major to major then, dropped out of school altogether. He went to work as a counselor at a summer camp for children. After participating in a staff talent show for the campers, a coworker suggested he try acting for a living. His career took off from there.


Morgan Freeman
It was clear, early, that Morgan Freeman had talent to act. At age twelve he had won a statewide drama competition. But he turned down a drama scholarship from Jackson State University and became a mechanic in the United States Air Force. It would be much later that he would return to acting and became a phenomenal success.

    And then there’s me. That Dr. Anderson (as certain of my students called me) I’d like to be able to tell you that every one of my cookie fortunes came true, that life has been a bowl of cherries without pits, and that everything I touched turned to gold, like Midas, that I’ve never had to use a plan B. and that my faith in human being has never been shaken. But I can’t.
    I grew up on my family’s farm in Tunica County. I milked cows, chopped and picked cotton, peas, okra, pecans, beans, water melons or whatever the farm had to offer.
    I graduated form Rosa Fort High School in 1960, second in my class after spending most of my senior year in the hospital in Mound Bayou recovering from hepatis.
    I never thought of myself as smart. When I went to college. I had issues. I felt soo inadequate. So, I dropped out after a year. I went to work and saved my money. I spent 2 years working as a Nurses’ Aide in a hospital in Boston. I had wanted to be a nurse, but the Nurses’ Aide job convinced me that I’d do better as a doctor.
    So I went back to school paying tuition at the university and in the school of life. I had to relearn many messages about myself, my abilities and my possibilities. I tried hard, struggling like the little ant that moved the Rubber Tree plant. Like the ant, I made it with the help, my family’s prayers and plenty of encouragement from all kinds of people. I believe it is now my responsibility to give what has been given to me.
    Throughout my working life, I have moved back and forth from the classroom to the therapy room. (Most of the times as the Professor and much times as the student) (Most of the time as the psychologist and occasionally as patient). You see, you can’t teach what you don’t know and if you know incorrect information and attitudes, you’ll teach incorrect information and attitudes. And that is WHAT YOU’LL TEACH to the next generation.
I believe in getting it right. 
    Today, I can do whatever I want to do for the rest of my life. Lately, I’ve been raising flowers. I look at a packet of seeds and marvel and the endless possibilities. Flowers planted today can bring us beauty today and for years to come. I have a few Cockscombs in my yard that my great grandmother also raised. And so it is with beliefs and attitudes.
    Like David Anderson in “Breakfast Epiphanies”, I wander around in the Flower beds and I noticed that some flowers, even when they get the same amount of water and fertilizer, just don’t make it. They just sit there and wither. Some say it’s the same with people. They say some people just give up on themselves. They just stop. Stop striving, stop expecting, stop growing, and stop learning?
    I hope not. Because when you stop, just like the flower that wither, you wither and die INSIDE. What seeds are you planting?
    We all have endless possibilities and it helps to have the  fertilizer of encouragement to grow. Whether it’s scholarship, the customer in a bar, a fellow camp counselor, father Vernon, an inside view of the job, or the fear (as Raymond Williams once told me) that you’ll have to pick cotton for the rest of your life.
    Ok. So this how I see it.  I believe it will help to understand the barriers to success and show how encouragement can be valuable in your life and the lives of young people making their Dreams reality.
    Psychologists study human perception of themselves, the world and themselves in the world.
Human being are hard wired or endowed by our creator (if you prefer), to seek out, connect, and cooperate with others, and a desire to improve themselves. In other words, to connect, to be competent and to count.
    Most of us become aware of our selves as people when we’re about 3 years old (give or take a few months). We’re like a sponge soaking up everything that’s going on around us. But we don’t know the context and can’t make sense of what we experience, but we take it in and use it as the way to do life. We look around and see so many people who can do so many things we can’t and have so many privileges we don’t have. Oh, we can feed ourselves but not very well and only if someone puts the food before us. Sometimes, in our parents’ attempts to make us better people, they say some pretty nasty and discouraging things about us.
    So we begin to feel inferior, incompetent, powerless when we want to feel connected to others, competent, and that we count.
    These inferior feelings are perfectly normal, human, and I believe necessary. They drive our desire for success; but we don’t know that because they feel so bad. We assume that because we feel inferior, We are inferior. Sometimes, we act “AS IF” we are inferior. So we try to overcome those inferiority feelings by struggling to be, significant, bigger, stronger, older, sweeter, cuter, most loved, the best (or Whatever are the values in our families). This struggling then, creates patterns for thinking, feeling, and behaving. If our actions are well guided (have good information about how to be in the world) and on the useful side of life, we may strive to be the best of the best. If we are misguided, and our actions fall to the useless side of life, then our struggles are toward being the best at being the worst). We hear people bragging about how much they drank, how many women they laid or how many things they stole, or what hurtful things they said to others, to name a few.
     Well guided goals of significance are designed to contribute to the good of the world, to connect us with others,  and allow us to cooperate and to develop ourselves fully so we can contribute to the welfare of others.
    (We see this all around us; the best that society has to offer and we see the worse). People can be significant by being good or they can be significant in their own minds by being bad. But it only take a little encouragement to turn a bad into good.
1.  So are you done yet? Are you where you’ve always wanted to be? If so, congratulations.
2. Have you realized your passion or did you just settle for the life you have?
3. What’s your passion? It may be some unresolved wish, Some long gone dream, Some deep desire, some once prided action.
4. Sometimes we stray from that path but it’s never too late. You saw that with the famous people. You’ve seen that with me and I know you’ll see it in you. If you’re not there, you still have time. It’s not how many times you fail but how many you try that’s important. Since you’re going to die someday anyway, you may as well be an old doctor, or teacher or whatever that was you always wanted to be.
5. Nobody said life would be easy. Struggling creates character. Without difficulties, you never know what you’re capable of or what you’re made of.
     That’s my encouragement to you, my pat on your back, my wish for your future, my kind words. Pass it on; to young and old, whether you’re co-worker, a father Vernon, a camps counselor or customer in a bar, or someone’s lover. You have endless possibilities for making a difference. Join in the spirit of hope and encouragement for the good of us all.

    I’d like to leave you with one final poem my mother often recited to me.

Set your goals  on Younder’s mountain
And press on with all your might.
The road is steep and hard to climb
You won’t reach it overnight.

You may venture into darkness
You may face the rain and cold
But keep your eyes on the mountain
and your mind on your goal.

If you stumble along the wayside
into life’s dark sinking sand;
arise with a double determination.
Renew your courage and try again.

Never count your self a failure.
Always do the best you can.
Just keep pressing on and upward
Though you may not understand.

You won’t have a lot of friends
if your journey’s the upward way.
Let the watchman of tomorrow
Find you closer that today.

Set your goals  on Younder’s mountain
and press on with all your might.
The road is steep and hard to climb
You won’t reach it overnight.

As I close, I’d like to leave you with a blessing sent to me by our own Neddie Ray Winters who I remember as the bad little boy from the Winters’ Family.

May the Lord bless and protect you;
may the Lord's face radiate with joy because of you;
 may He be gracious to you, show you His favor,
and give you His peace.            Thank You Thank You. ou.

African Americans and Mental Health Issues
Increasing Awareness
Jackson State University
June 8, 2013, 11:00 am
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson

    African Americans are a resilient people who withstood slavery and discrimination and most of us have survived, thrived to live healthy productive lives. Rates of mental health in African American are similar to those of the general population in spite of the fact that throughout our history in the United states, and still today, inequities in accessing our rights and  privileges, in education, employment, and health care.
    A disproportionate number of us we face an extreme amount of mental illness including depression, anxiety and emotional stress.
     Many of us are in desperate need of mental health treatment and don’t get it. We bare a disproportionately high burden of disability resulting from mental disorders. This disparity does not stem from a greater prevalence rate or severity, but from a lack of culturally competent care, and from receiving less or poor quality care.
    Here are some of the complaints I have about the system in which I worked and made a very nice living and loved the work so mush that I volunteer clinical hours each week to people who have jobs but no mental Health Insurance.
     African Americans are not being trained in great numbers as psychologists, psychiatrists, or Psychiatric Social workers. Presently, only 2% of the psychologists are black but that doesn’t mean that Blacks aren’t interested in the field. In undergraduate schools, 7% who graduate are Black but the number dips sharply for graduate school. The year I graduated with my Doctorate degree, 2 of us in the entire United States were conferred with the degree.
    The number of Black Professors in Psychology Departments is even more dismal. In 1996, most of the high powered departments at Harvard, Carnagie Mellon, University of Minnesota, University of Illinois and University of Pennsylvania had not one Black Professor. By 2008, each had implemented successful recruiting programs to increase both the number of students and Professors.  
This suggests few people are being trained to deal with us. For this and many other reasons, people of color are under-served in the mental health system    .
    Unlike a physical illness, which usually has easily recognizable symptoms that are similar in most individuals, a mental illness can be as unique as the person who has it and requires knowing the person, his or issues and habits to make a differential diagnosis.
    African Americans are not all the same. Culturally, we are more diverse now than any other time in history with increasing numbers of immigrants from African nations, the Caribbean, Central America and other countries. Culture, (not just skin color) plays a complex role in understanding the person, and diagnosing the problem and reaction to treatment.
    There is still a mental health stigma in America especially among African Americans.
    Like many Americans, African Americans, underestimate the impact of mental disorders. Many believe symptoms of mental illness, such as depression, are “just the blues or that the person is not living right.
    Only one out of three African Americans who need mental health care receives it. Some of this is because of problems in the system and some of it is because of what we do or don’t do.
    Many of us, distrust in the health care system (and for good reason). The Tuskegee Airmen incidents are very close to home.
    Historically, mental health research included few African American subjects. Cultural identity encompasses distinct patterns of belief and practices that have implications for one’s willingness to seek treatment from and to be adequately served by mental health care providers. Conclusions reached in the mental health research about the causes of illnesses and effects of treatments can’t assume effectiveness with these groups. Culturally competent care is important.
    For some disorders, such as schizophrenia and mood disorders, there is a high probability of mis-diagnosis because of differences in how African Americans express symptoms of emotional distress. And while the rate of substance use among African American is lower than other Ethnicities, alcohol and drugs are responsible for more deaths in people of color than any other chronic disease in the U.S.
    African Americans are more likely to stop treatment early and are less likely to receive follow-up care.
    Barriers remain in access to and quality of care from, insurance coverage. For those with insurance, coverage for mental health services and substance use disorders is substantially lower than coverage for other medical illnesses such as hypertension and diabetes.    
    Often, African Americans turn to family, church and community to cope. The level of religious commitment among African Americans is high. In one study, approximately 85 percent of African Americans respondents described themselves as “fairly religious” or “religious” and prayer was among the most common way of coping with stress. Strong social, religious, and family connections have helped many African Americans overcome adversity and maintain optimal mental health.
    Other’s remember that African Americans got Religion because that’s all they could have.” They couldn’t have land, houses, spouses, children or even their own name. Each were commodities up for sale to the highest bidder.         
What can we do to increase awareness?
1. I write.
2. Prevention is more effective than cure. Because African Americans often turn to community – family, friends, neighbors, community groups and religious leaders – for help, the opportunity exists for community health services to collaborate with local churches and community groups to provide mental health care and education to families and individuals.
3. An illness like depression affects a person’s friends, family and job, and the reverse can be true as well. The way to tell if treatment is needed is to look at the degree to which at least 3 areas of your life are affected (family, friends, work) and a person’s overall sense of well-being are hurt or hindered by factors relating to a person’s mental and/or emotional state.
4. Just as family can aid in the accurate diagnosis, family participation can aid in managing the disorder and they can help family members to remain in Treatment.
5. Get the word out that Seeking help is not a sign of weakness or a cause for shame. Despite the narrow and stigmatizing views that may be held by others or reinforced in the media, seeking mental health treatment reflects good judgment and a willingness to work toward feeling better.
6. Mental health treatment is confidential. Only your insurance needs to be notified of dates and diagnosis if you want them to pay for office visits and medications.
7. A mental Health diagnosis does not define you, and with the right treatment, your illness does not have to limit you.
    It’s important to find the professional that you can trust.
    
 © Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D. June 6, 2013

Driving with Children Can Drive You Crazy
By
Dr. Rachell N. Anderson
    Let’s face it, in Mississippi, we love our children and we need our cars but, when you put the two together (especially if there’s more than one child on board) they can drive parents crazy.
     We’ve all seen this scene. A parent is driving. Kids in the back seat, restless. Someone begins to whine. The kids start battling and tattling. “He touched me.” He touched me first.” The parents begin to scold. Don’t touch him” Don’t anybody touch anybody!!” And the fighting intensifies. Soon the parent is driving with one hand and reaching in the back seat trying to swat everyone to silence.
    Except, there is no silence. Whether on a short trip or a long one, this produces a driver that is more distracted than one who is texting and driving. It’s very dangerous.  
    Cries, screams and more fighting occurs. Whether a short trip or a long one, kids get restless, bored and angry. Kids have energy. They have a short attention spans. They get wired. They  don’t like to be confined. Tussling with siblings relieves the boredom. The fighting solves their problem but gives you a problem of your own.
    Believe me, expecting peace and quiet with children cooped up in a car on a trip that is more than an hour is too much to
ask.     
So, What’s a Parent To Do?
    There are ways to make these trips with kids manageable and occasionally fun.
1. Pack for long trips with the children in mind. Bring along some books, tapes, games, snacks, coloring books and favorite blankets and toys. Let each child pack his or her own.
2. Take frequent breaks to allow kids to rest their legs and run around a bit.
3. Food helps. Bring along a cooler with healthy snacks and drinks. Trail mix, raisins, juice boxes, fresh fruit and baby carrots are some of my favorites.
4. Let the kids handle the maps and set the buzzer on the phone and you won’t hear “Are We There Yet?”
5. For shorter trips, when the noise level reaches the decibel  that’s distracting it’s time to act. Say to the children in a calm but firm voice “I’m sorry but I can’t drive when there’s so much noise. I get distracted and it’s dangerous. I’ll have to pull over now and wait until it’s quiet again.” Give it a minute. If the noise continues (and it likely will) find a safe place to pull off the road. Say “ when it’s quiet, we can continue.”
    Say no more just look straight ahead and wait. When you do this the first time, the kids won’t believe you and will likely try to push just the right buttons to get you to start yelling again. Be strong and show no reaction. It’ll pay off in the long run.
    As soon as it’s quiet, start the car and be on your way.  
If the noise increases again, say nothing. Simply find a safe place and pull over and wait. You may need to do this several times for the kids to really get it. Be patient with yourself but be consistent and use this method for all your noisy trips. After all, both you and the kids are learning something new. It’ll get easier with practice.  
    When using this method, no one is maligned, put down or hurt and you’ll have nothing to feel guilty about when the trip is done. Getting to your destination will become a part of the fun. Remember that the trip is not just about getting there, but like life, it’s about the journey.
© Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D. June 7, 2013
    Dr. Anderson is a licensed Clinical Psychologist, a Professor Emeritus and author. She taught at the University of Illinois and ran a private Clinical in Springfield, Illinois for more than 40 years. She now lives and writes in Tunica, Mississippi. Check out her website at WWW.drrachellanderson.com for more articles and books.

   

Tribute to Emma Williams’ 100th year

    If I had been born at another day and time, I wouldn’t be here to pay tribute to My Mother, Emma Louise Williams.
    I also would be around to, (when I go over to give her a bath) see her big toothless smile and hear her say “Hey Baby Dear” (the name she calls me).
    I wouldn’t be able to see the covers she has folded around her waist thinking they are an apron full of turnip greens that she has picked for dinner.
    Sometimes, she thinks she’s wrapped up in cows chain. She has caught and held the cows to keep them from running to the Reed’s farm. She’s reading stories to her children by kerosene lamp light and warmed by the pot bellied stove.  
    Pigs escape, foxes raid the chicken coops, a war is raging, there is a depression, soap operas are on the radio, the kids are running wild, the sugar is rationed, there is a drought, boll weevils are eating the crops, She’s making quilts with the 2 Miss Sarahs and Aunt Peter or Cousin Sister. They killed Dr. Martin Luther King, She voted.
    She’s taking care of her cancer ridden mother, and burying the love of her life, my father, watching her only son go off to the Army, then off to prison.
     Sometimes, the white folks are on the road watching her or she’s struggling to keep the farm or secure a deed for Pleasant Ridge Church from Mr. Perry, the plantation owner on which the church was built.
     Sometimes she’s yelling for us kids to get out of a tree or get in the house for supper. Sometimes she’s spanking someone’s butt, talking to a new Son-in-law, smiling at a new grand baby, or watching a child graduate from college.
    Sometimes, she’s making tea cakes, pies or barbecuing pork steaks to sell at the Williams’ Grocery store that she ran for many years.
    Sometimes she’s laughing at some good fortune, selling farm fresh vegetables, milk, and butter on the town’s square. At other times, she crying from anxiety about the conditions of the crops or the world.
    With the aid of Alzheimer Disease (something scientist say we’ll have should we be blessed with a long life) she may not remember what she had lunch just a few minutes hence but she can take me back for a look at her long life.
     In 1933, Daddy went to Sunflower County and plucked her out from all the rest even against her Mother’s will, I am told.    The married on his $.75 a day income. He had secured a little 2 room house with a bed, a table and 1 chair on the Perry Plantations just behind Pleasant Ridge Church, where the rest of his family lived and worked.
    He wanted her for her beautiful, big legs, long pretty hair, and her dreams for a better life. What he got was a woman who was mentally agile and physically, nearly as strong as ox, who would work from sunup till sundown, without ONE complaint and was grateful for what little God was giving them.
    He went to work on the plow. She made gardens and possibilities. She stopped him from drinking and gambling and brought Jesus in his life.
    Soon they bought 40 acres of land which we call 18 and moved off the Perry Plantation. Mother was enterprising. They soon raised cows, pigs, Chicken, guineeses, and children. Daddy became a member of the PTA, the Masons, a deacon at church, and, in my opinion, a very good father.    
    Together, they bought more land, developed a homestead, on what is now Emma Williams Road, developed friend ships, helped to raise other peoples’s children, gave of themselves to others, and became contributing members of Tunica County.
    Five generations of descendant of Jackson and Emma Williams  have lived and thrived on the homestead they established. Most of us live by their mandate to make a good life and this world a better place.
    If I had been born at another day and time, I would not be here today, to pay tribute to My Mother Emma Williams to whom I want to say publically, “Thank You Mother, For MY Life.

    © Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D. November 21, 2012

That’s What Friends Are For: When Loved ones Have Cancer

By Dr. Rachell N. Anderson

 For Aristotle “Friendship was what made all other things in life worth having”. (It is my hope that your family members and are also your friends)

According to Oprah,
“Friends are people who root for you, no matter what. You tell them your deepest, darkest secrets, and instead of heading for the door, they stick around and your bond with them grows stronger.”

In one of her gold plated records, Dionne Warwick sang
 
“Keep smiling', keep shining'
Knowing you can always count on me, for sure
That's what friends are for
For good times and bad times
I'll be on your side forever more
That's what friends are for”

In one of Dr. Scott’s speeches, he was quoted as saying “We don’t have to do this alone. he proposes, “Faith, Movement, Medical, Nutrition; and giving and receiving support through relationships as the Church Health Center’s model to healthy living

    As a Clinical Psychologist, the emotional life; understanding feelings, managing stress in relationships with self, friends, family, and the community especially during difficult times are my areas of expertise. That’s what I’ll talk about today.

    Throughout history, people have found that their lives are better, easier, and more rewarding if they live within groups such as families, tribes and communities. The ways they are related, and the nature of their obligations to each other vary greatly through history, and across different cultures, but giving and receiving support through relationships have stood the test of time.
    We need each other.     
    Trained in the Adlerian Psychology tradition, I came to understand that people's major needs are to be connected and to count, to feel like we belong and are significant. We need to fit in and to stand out regardless of the burdens they bear.
    Much of who we are comes from the roles we fulfill as parents, spouse, siblings, workers and friends.     
    According to (Cohen, 2004) Social support refers to the exchange of psychological and material resources between us and our social network, with the intention of enhancing an individual’s ability to cope with stress.
    Social support can promote positive psychological states, such as positive affect and self-esteem, which are thought to induce health-promoting physiological responses in our neuroendocrine and immune systems(Cohen, 1988, 2004; Uchino, 2006).
     Social support can influence health by eliminating the effects of stressful experiences, promote less-threatening interpretations of negative events, and bolster effective coping strategies (Cohen, 2004; Bass, McClendon, Brenna, & McCarthy, 1998).
    Illness can interfere with these valuable roles we occupy and we become afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing, so, too often, we do nothing. Sometimes the best help you can give a person with cancer is to reassure them they are loved, valued and, sick or not, we need them.
SO, what’s a friend to do?    
    Talking is the best method of communication we have. Simply acknowledging and talking about distress can help to relieve it. Talk openly and honestly. Let the person indicate when and where they want to talk and what they want to talk about. Follow your friend’s lead.
    Listening may be more important than speaking. You don’t need to have all the answers; just listening to questions can help. Be a sensitive, compassionate and empathic listener.
    Allow silence. People often feel uncomfortable if there's a lull in the conversation. Quiet is better than empty words, and sometimes it’s better to say nothing at all than to say something potentially insensitive. Sharing silence can be very comforting. Your presence shows you care.
    While I was writing this I remembered an album our family often listened and danced to. The record was [Free to Be You and Me] The ARTIST: Shel Silverstein, The song is called TITLE:
Helping
Agatha Fry, she made a pie
And Christopher John helped bake it
Christopher John, he mowed the lawn
And Agatha Fry helped rake it

Now, Zachary Zugg took out the rug
And Jennifer Joy helped shake it
Then Jennifer Joy, she made a toy
And Zachary Zugg helped break it

And some kind of help is the kind of help
That helping's all about
And some kind of help is the kind of help
We all can do without
    Remember, ill people, have already received and felt the awful news, so avoid feeling bad for them. These negative expectations can act to increase the difficulty of their battle. Come with a positive attitude and shift your assumptions from what is to what could be.
    If a loved one has cancer, most likely you are eager to do something for them to bring them some happiness. Although flowers and cards are always nice, but, giving a helping hand with everyday activities are most helpful.  
    Ask the person first in order to make sure your good intentions will be welcomed, but be prepared to do something.
Wash the dishes
Take out the trash
Sweep the floor
Give a back rub or a foot massage
Bring in the mail
Mow the lawn
Wash and fold some clothes,
My Mother’s favorite thing is to have someone comb her hair.
    Be helpful but don’t take over.
    Also, understand that needs change. Some people might be less willing to accept concrete help than others. If you have offered and have been refused, don't take offense. It’s not about you.     
    Although people need to talk about what they are going through, they are still interested in what’s going on in the outside world. Bring newsy items to share. There may be times when he/she doesn’t want to talk at all and simply want to be alone. Respect that. It’s not about you.
    Continue to talk to your friend as the person he or she was before the cancer diagnosis. We’re all more than our symptoms and our diagnoses and life doesn’t disappear just because cancer appears. Focus on the person not on the diagnosis.
    In the tradition of David Letterman,
I went on-line and found a list of 10 No Nos, things not to say to your friend who has cancer.  
1 "I feel so sorry for you"
2 "If anyone can beat this, it's you"
3 "You're looking well"
4 "You're looking terrible"
5 "Let me know the results"
6 "Whatever I can do to help"
7 "Oh, no, your worries are unfounded"
8. "What does chemotherapy [for example] feel like?"
9 "I really must see you"
10 "I'm so terribly upset about your condition"
It’s not about you.  
    Make sure to keep in touch. Let your friend know when you will be calling, and let your friend know that it is okay to not answer the phone.
    When you make a commitment to help, do it. For example, if you offer to bring a meal or fix a faucet on a specific day, do it.
This is about you.
    As you dress to visit your friend who is ill, remember to do as Dr. Scott suggest:
    “Put on Compassion
    Put on Kindness
    Put on Humility
    Put on Gentleness
    Put on Patience
    Put on Forgiveness; and
    Put on Love.”
Take the advise of Aristotle, Oprah, Dionne Warwick, Dr. Scott and me..
    Let them know They don’t have to do this alone.
Tell them, “You can always count on me, For Sure.”  
That’s what’s friends are for.   Thank You
© Dr. Rachell N. Anderson, Psy. D October 22, 2012